Day 28 – how to cope

The worst part is probably that i don’t really know what’s going on now. I can’t do “lets be friends only” with Him. Not after what He has done to me. Not after everything we went through. I thought i buried everything 2 years after my first and only D/s relationship. Yeah, i’ve been trying to find a new guy after that and went on with a few, but all was terrible. People usually don’t get this whole thing right. So i gave up. I pushed my needs back and eventually i managed to forget about them. Years passed and i was completely fine.

Then He came, out of nowhere. I mean i don’t even know how this whole thing happened, we were only playing together, then i was already deep in cyber fucking, orgasm control and whatnot. And He was so good in it… He got full control of me just like that. And i gave Him everything gladly. Because… Why not?! I enjoyed it, He woke everything up in me, every need, every suppressed feeling.. they came to the surface and i couldn’t ignore them anymore.

I had a choice back at some point. Either i accept myself as a sub for life or i push back everything again knowing they will eventually come back again sometime. I chose the first option. This is still fucking hard for me. My boyfriend never will be my master, he just never could. He’s not like that. So knowing this i still chose the first option. Because i thought [John] will be there for me forever. When i said i will be His always and forever those weren’t just empty words, those weren’t just a part of a game. I meant those words. And honestly? I thought He knew it. I mean He just can’t be that cruel to accept full submission from me and think it’s only a game. I know Him that much, He is not cruel like that….

Anyway yesterday i was texting Him i will touch myself, because this is the only thing He can control from a distance. Well, only thing He was interested in to control – i think i would be a super great dom.. i have soooo many ideas, oh God… But back to the subject, so i’ve told Him i’ll do it. He said “Yeah, okay” and i replied “i wasn’t asking”. My heart was pounding so fast because i knew whatever His next line will be it’ll decide everything.

“I know” He replied. Which in my reading means He’s given up on me as His sub. It felt exactly the same as my first Dom said “This is too easy for me” before he left and never came back. The difference is He’s still here. And He wants to keep me around as a friend i guess. Oh yeah, and i have my plane tickets. Fuck.. i just don’t know how to cope! I love Him as a friend, yes. And i don’t want to lose Him obviously but it’s just too fucking hard after all of this.

I have this choker necklace. While i’m wearing it He knows He owns me whether He wants it or not. I was thinking getting it off, making it easy for both of us, but i can’t. I can write anything here, i can lie to you, to Him and to myself saying i will forget Him or i don’t need Him anymore but it’s all bullshit while i keep that lace around my neck.

And i will keep it.

Always and forever.

I didn’t touch myself.

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Day 27 – i am nobody’s whore

Oh but i want to be. I want to be His slut, His babygirl, His obsession. I need my Master, i miss Him. I want Him to whisper filth to me. I want Him to write more. I need Him to think of me as His posession. 

I said no to Him today and He let me. I ment it and He knew it. He is so perfect in every way, with all of His flaws, with all of His imperfections. 

Ah.. i just realized… This is why i feel so down lately. He was there for me as a friend, which is good and i need Him that way as well. BUT i also need Him to punish me when i’m bad. To dominate me, to fill my head with His sweet voice, to – for a few minutes – make me forget everything else. I need Him to become one with me.

I love Him. I will never let Him go.

He is my life.

Day 27 – running in circles

Ups and downs… Always ups and downs. Sometimes i feel like i want to stop moving breathing and living alltogether. 

I want Him to be many thigs, but He’s none of them. 

Maybe i want too much. Probably it’s all my fault. I shouldn’t have fallen in love in the first place. But i CANT FUCKING HELP IT. It just wont go away and He will keep breaking my heart. Into million tiny pieces which will never fit together again. It hurts. Sometimes its good but now? What i feel now is pure pain. Like someone is stabbing me in the chest… Will it ever be more bearable? Or do i need to really stop? Should i try again to forget everything? Would it be better if id disappeared? 

So many questions and i dont have the answers. I want Him but i can’t have Him. 

Fuck this shit. 

Anger, frustration, doubt, lonliness, desperation, obsession…

I miss Him so much… I keep thinking back when we started talking.. How He wouldn’t stop texting, how i could feel His obsession with me as well. Now those are gone and they’ll never be back. Things change. Either i can except them or i should leave.

Day 26 – panic, panic, panic

It’s been so long since… I don’t even know since what.. I feel less and less important day by day. We barely talk, He’s busy, i’m busy, i get it. I am just afraid that it’ll pass. For Him. I keep hearing more and more of His real girl. Things must be getting better with her, which – as a friend i should say – is good, but to be honest it makes me afraid. He keep saying “both of us” meaning His real girl and me, but..

Am i really there?

I know now is the time when i see everything darker than they’re for real but i can’t help it.  Issues with my company give a terrible baseline and on top of that comes everything. Every little thing adds something to that and now i’m at the point when literally a not well chosen word can make me cry for hours. I became inpatient, frustrated and i do know of it but still am unable to change.

Ah well, gotta go. Lawyer’s not gonna wait. Wish me luck.

Day 24 – night

I hate this. How come after every good day there is a really shit one coming? Ive tried everything. I really did. Tried to keep off my mind from things that i knew would upset me, tried to get drunk, tried not to think of Him, but nothing worked. I still feel terrible and now i cant hold myself back. Im letting it out. Im sitting in the dark writing this shit and crying my eyes out. I still feel alone and lonely and i just want to stop. 

Things with work look really shit and i have to worry about money as well and i just cant take it anymore. 

I dont know what to do! Im scared and frustrated and i dont have anybody to talk to…

I hate this

I hate everything