Yesterday was perfect. Well not perfect perfect, but close enough. No panic, no worries, for the first time in many many days i really was fine. Of course we were fighting with my boyfriend – us fighting’s getting to be the basline of our relationship nowadays… But it’s not like i’m sitting there in quiet not letting him know it’ll poison our realtionship… I tell him how i feel, i fuckimg won’t let anyone there guessing. I’m not that girl. If i have something on my mind i fucking tell it. Straight, honest, no hints… Anyway, besides our usual fight with boyfriend (which at least was based on real problems instead of fictive ones, at least) everything was okay. Small progress with work, taking care of doctor stuff for the competition and… Well, Him. I was alright without Him all day, i was really busy. Then at night… God, He was so sweet. He is perfect in so many ways. He made a video for me and hearing His voice finally.. well it almost made me cry… happy tears though. That was the last thing of my day and i fell asleep smiling, which i don’t even know when happened last time. He read the blog again though (His excuse He was bored… i really should move this to somewhere else) maybe that’s what made Him realize how important He really is to me.. Ahh i don’t know, He probably knows this without my blog anyway… So, yes. Yesterday was perfect. Perfect with all its flaws, just as i like.
It’s good. I have more and more calm periods, maybe i finally will be ablee to get this right. I just realized that it’s the same with Him as with my body-image. When i feel down or sad or anything everything gets twisted. Everything. The mirror shows a completely different woman, an ugly one with tons of flaws. And that is the time when i get unsure about Him and His feelings towards me. Ive learnt to handle the mirror thing, i know it’s only my mind playing its dirty tricks on me. Maybe i just need to learn the same thing considering Him. He won’t change His feelings just because i feel sad. It doesn’t make sense and i can see it so clear now. I need to hold onto this. Because how i feel now? It’s fucking perfect. I don’t need more, He is there for me. I’m not sure on the love part, but you see, it’s different in my language. We have more words for it, different words for friendly love and real love.
I don’t know… I’m not even sure it’s love what i feel. It’s intense, yes. Painful sometimes. I’ve never felt so much lust and longing towards anybody before… It can be unbearable and i just want to stay lost in Him. To give more, to make Him feel special, wanted and needed. To give Him back what i feel when His attention is focused on me. That is – without doubt – the best thing what happened to me in my entire life. And i want to give it back to Him.
It’s so much more than love.
I feel like i should diappear. Just delete everything and never look back. I’m such a drama queen, jesus.. But i loved those times when He was worried about me when i wasn’t texting Him… I don’t think He would miss me if i just stopped. I think He would be only angry. Fuck i don’t know. I really hate texts. You just can’t get how the other would say those things. Without His voice… ah fuck me.. i haven’t heard His voice in days! He just fucking doesn’t give a shit! Aaaaand now i’m crying. God i want to drink…
He made me cry. Again. How can He not see when He’s hurting me? Or is He doing it on purpose?
I need to stop being in love.
It hurts me too much…
Mostly we didn’t talk today, somehow I feel safe. It’s so rare that i have to treasure it while it lasts. Then when He got back and could text again, He was so sweet. I don’t care if everything has to stop if He remains my friend. My light in the dark. My beacon of hope. My best friend.
I know it’s way more than that from my part… but it’s gonna stay like this. He likes me, i know that much and that is more than enough. As long as He lets me hear His voice, as long as He listens to my problems and struggles, i am genuinely happy. In exchange i can give Him my devotion, my love and my life.
This day.. It was challenging for me. Anniversary of my ED so i went through of my old photos, listened to a song which was my fave back then, i’ve even posted about it on facebook.. The other thing is.. excuse me if it’s too much information, but today i’ve got my period – 18th time since we started trying for a baby. It gets to me every time. I just can’t get used to the disappointment. I’m probably not ready anyway, but it’s like i’ve been hit in the stomach. Plus i won’t drink anymore, which is also challenging considering i drank every day in the past month. But the competition is here (at Sat) and i really don’t want to waste more money on alcohol. I don’t need any addiction in my life besides Him.
So to sum it up, today has been my best day since i’ve started this blog. Best as in it was freaking hard, but i really do feel safe, appreciated and if not wanted exactly, but something very close to it.
He had a nice time with His woman which made me jealous because a few hours before He was all about leaving her… But they worked it out for now at least and i did great making myself forget the jealousy part. I have to force myself, but it’s working. I said i never could be jealous of her.. but it’s obviously not 100% true. She’s the one who gets to touch Him, who gets to listen to His heart. Who can see Him smile, who can make Him smile. She’s there, and i’ll never be able to. Anyway… i’m happy when He’s happy – and He seems to be doing just fine.
I had wanted her to come into the bedroom before I attacked but the hardness protruding from my groin took control of my brain. I dashed from my hiding place towards her. Eyes wide she tried to back away, to turn from me ready to scream but my hand was too quick across her mouth, the last breath sealed in… I turn her and my other hand goes to her throat pinning her against the door. I squeeze really fucking hard I see her eyes roll into her head and her tongue starts to bulge out her mouth drool spilling from the sides. It makes me squeeze even harder. “ I told you I would get you, bitch” I growl. Her hands fall seemingly lifeless at her sides. All the struggle gone… fuck I nearly come there and then… I snap back to reality and I’m still holding her by her throat. I relax my grip and as she falls I hear a small gasp of air!? My God she’s not dead! This is the best news. The bitter disappointment fades and is replaced by a new thought “I could keep her!” She could be mine forever? I could put her in the safe place. I’ve kept others for years. Kept them alive just… but I always bore eventually. No chase involved anymore no real terror once the first 2 or 3 months pass. They just end up hollow shells and even at the end when I finish them I get little pleasure from it.
This one. She’s different she has shown me that I can control her. That she wants this as much, if not more, than I do. She found me after all, she is the one who wanted all this horror. Who would I be to deny her that?
While she’s out I go to my bag and take out what I need. I strip her and tie her to her bed with knots that will tighten as she struggles when she wakes. From my bag I take my favourite knife. It’s been sharpened so much the cutting edge is razor thin. It’s a magnificent blade. A bowie knife that I’ve used for hunting more than just animals. I hold it glinting in the sunlight spilling through small gap in the curtains. Today it will taste her flesh for the first time. I fleetingly notice my cock is hard again and it brings me back. I walk to the bed and climb on, she stirs a bit. As I put my knees on her chest her pretty tear filled eyes snap open. She looks me right in the eye and starts to scream and scream but barely a noise comes past the ball gag I’ve stuffed in her mouth and she realises no noise is coming out. She struggles more the ropes tighten. I can see it in her scared eyes that she knows she is utterly doomed I reach back and slide a finger into her pussy and I can see she loves it I can feel her push against my hand, she wants this. I take my finger out and slip it in my mouth she is so wet!! It makes me more aroused than ever and angry! Angry that the fucking whore nearly made me kill her. Angry that if she had done as she was told and not ran this could have been avoided until I was ready. The anger starts to rise my fists clench tightly and I slap her so hard in the face it makes her start to cry. I grab my knife off the bed and start to run it from her throat where my hand is once again gripping tightly. Across her tits down across her stomach. Here I press a little harder and she cries out round the gag as her skin separates and blood spills from the blades path she bucks against the ropes and I swear she came again! It’s a not deep but the warm red soon spills onto the sheets. I watch it pool in her belly button as she lies there motionless. She’s not dead just passed out again. I take my finger and dip it into the blood in her navel and start to write on her wall ”never run. ” the full stop runs slightly down the wall I watch it for what seems an age.
I untie her while she was still out cold. I change her bed sheets (taking the blood stained ones with me as I do her panties) . I make her bed and clean her up. I use some sterile tape on her cut . I leave the apartment as I found it apart from that message. The full stop drip now reaching the floor.
Next time she wouldn’t dare run and if she did the room I have prepared for her would be ready for its long term guest.
That moment when He’s seen my text…