Day 19 – calm again

It’s good. I have more and more calm periods, maybe i finally will be ablee to get this right. I just realized that it’s the same with Him as with my body-image. When i feel down or sad or anything everything gets twisted. Everything. The mirror shows a completely different woman, an ugly one with tons of flaws. And that is the time when i get unsure about Him and His feelings towards me. Ive learnt to handle the mirror thing, i know it’s only my mind playing its dirty tricks on me. Maybe i just need to learn the same thing considering Him. He won’t change His feelings just because i feel sad. It doesn’t make sense and i can see it so clear now. I need to hold onto this. Because how i feel now? It’s fucking perfect. I don’t need more, He is there for me. I’m not sure on the love part, but you see, it’s different in my language. We have more words for it, different words for friendly love and real love. 

I don’t know… I’m not even sure it’s love what i feel. It’s intense, yes. Painful sometimes. I’ve never felt so much lust and longing towards anybody before… It can be unbearable and i just want to stay lost in Him. To give more, to make Him feel special, wanted and needed. To give Him back what i feel when His attention is focused on me. That is – without doubt – the best thing what happened to me in my entire life. And i want to give it back to Him. 

It’s so much more than love.


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