I love you and yes [pause] you are my whore

Im not gonna just hold your fucking hand… [pause] Im not gonna fuck you, but im gonna punish you. You will get what you want

Hold it, hold it, hold it, bitch

That’s my good girl

Beautiful woman of my dreams

I’m sorry, what did you say? Yes, what? 

You are amazing. Never let anyone tell you different

Do as you are told

Deny me again and I will hurt you… ways you can’t even imagine

Your body is stunning

Its [His cock] yours in September if you can just do as you are told baby. If not all you will get is pain

You can save it for me because that pussy clit and arse hole are MINE

Remember even when you can’t speak to me whenever I’m not about. Even when I haven’t managed to send you a heart for a while, you’re never far from my thoughts. If you feel alone, remember that.

Show me your pussy, slave. NOW!


Day 16 – not thinking of Him


It’s been 12 hours since we talked properly.

When i asked for permission to touch He said “think of me”. Well fuck Him, i won’t!

There won’t be any good night text from Him, i just know it. I’ve unsent my messages, they were there for a couple of hours, unseen. Aaaaahhh FUCK! I hate this fucking obsession of mine! I hate Him! I hate Him! I FUCKING HATE HIM!

I need a drink…

I won’t think of Him! Never ever again!

And if He reads this? Then i’m gonna fucking murder Him, fucking asshole, stupid shit! How dare He not think of me???

Right, vodka… 



It’s dark in here. I’m alone. Deep down, in a hole, far away from friendy eyes.. there is nothing friendly here. Only bones, guts and blood. I feel sick. I don’t want to be here, I cry for help but only the echo of my own voice responses. I try to climb but I keep falling back. Just let me die then – I scream into the darkness. No answer. Even the echo left me. I am alone. Fear takes control of me. I start to shake, I try to stop it but it’s no use. 

Back in the day this would have been a perfect time to hurt myself. I still have my last blade hidden somewhere. As a reminder, that I could do it but I chose not to. I made my decision. Never again. Now I have my vodka to ease the pain.

I don’t like being lonely.

I ask Him to say He loves me but it’s too late, He’s already gone to sleep. I’ll find His nicest texts instead… that’ll help me to calm down.

Good night


Filth – Part 5 – Chloe

Filth – part 1 – Chloe
Filth – Part 2 – John
Filth – Part 3 – John
Filth – Part 4 – Chloe

Dim lights. Distorted noises. White.

Where am I?

His voice.

What happened?

Whispering to my ear. White again. More noises.
“Wake up….” (more white) “…perfect…” (what is he saying?) “…deserve….” (it doesn’t make any sense!) “…kill you…”

Everything is crystal clear now. I am in my bed. Almost naked, wearing only my underwear. I feel adrenaline rushing through my veins, I can feel my heartbeat getting faster and faster. I’m opening my eyes now, he is kneeling on top off me his face is next to mine. He is dressed up. I can see him smiling, his eyes flashing. I can see something in his eyes, something horrible. I can’t put my finger on it but it makes me petrified. I want to shove him off of me, but I can’t move my arms. Fuck! I’m tied down! Oh God, this is gonna be the end of me! Fuck, fuck, fuck! I try to get my hands out but the rope he used is only getting tighter as I’m trying to free myself. I’m screaming now, but I can’t hear my own voice. There is something in my mouth. God no! Please! I am gagged. I can feel tears running down on my face, I crying like a baby. I am terrified.

Now he moves, he’s sitting up. His weight pins me down. He puts his hand in my panties then pulls it out. (What is he doing? God… Is he checking…?) He puts his fingers in his mouth and starts grinning.

Good girl – he says and licks his fingers clean.

He continues to speak, but I can’t hear him. Why am I wet? I’m crying so bad I barely can breathe. I hate him, how can I be wet? Then all of a sudden he slaps me.

Pay attention when I’m talking to you, bitch!

My eyes are wide open, no more tears and I’m more scared than before. I know I’ll die here. He puts his hand on my throat again, grips it tight. I can see he’s reaching for something with his other hand. Light shines on the blade he’s pulling out under the blanket. He lets me breathe now. Fresh air is filling my lungs, but it doesn’t last long. He tightens his grip again and I can feel the cold blade on my ribs. He gently runs the knife all over my body, discovering every part of it. Light and noises are beginning to dim once again and I’m thinking it’s not a bad way to go, at least I won’t feel any…


Another big amount of adrenaline rushes through my veins and even though he still holds me down and I still can’t breathe, everything gets clear again for a while. It’s enough to me to grasp what’s happening. As I look down on myself, I can see red. A lot of red. Oh God! I want to scream! That fucking bastard CUT ME!

I can feel my blood throbbing in my ears . I know I’m gonna pass out within seconds, only the pain keeps me awake. The pain and.. that feeling… between my legs. Hot. Wet. I want him to fuck me, I want him to put his cock inside me. I want him to rape me. I can feel my pelvic muscles contracting as I’m having another orgasm and then everything turns black once again.


Day 15 – His morning text

A good slave should understand a few things. Sometimes she needs to be left to her own devices so her master can see if she REALLY is a good girl or not! To see is she can obey the rules! To see if she can DO AS SHE’S TOLD! It would appear that’s not the fucking case? I sent you a lovely pic this morning but I have unsent it… you don’t deserve it! YOU ARE A FUCKING BAD GIRL, WHORE! Yesterday I didn’t have my phone, that was the only reason I couldn’t control you! YOU ARE TELLING ME THAT’S ALL IT TAKES TO LOOSE CONTROL WTF! IF I WAS THERE!!!! MY GOD YOU WOULD REGRET DISOBEYING ME! But I’m not so perhaps I will just fucking ignore you properly this time, maybe that’ll teach you? BITCH! WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU?

NO! You don’t deserve permission! You are a bad girl, a liar who doesn’t appreciate her master, who thinks she can do what she like, when she likes. Well, that’s not the action of a good slave! That’s just a whore who does what she wants. So no, you can’t touch yourself and if you do, that’s IT! You won’t see or hear from me again. DO YOU UNDERSTAND? I’m so fucking angry with you right now… If I was there my belt would be swinging hard… REALLY HARD. I’m punishing you now by not letting you [please yourself] Fuck, I’m seething. I would whip you, then rape you for what you have done! Whore!



Day 14 – Rules are ment to be broken

I just need His attention…

I will do something which is against the rules. I’ll touch myself without permission. I’ll use my fingers without permission. I’ll come without permission.

We’ll see where that leaves me.


Day 14 – anxiety spiral

Oh well.. I knew this would happen eventually. He’s having a bad day. Bad mood, trouble with work, so even though He could, He’s not talking with me. This gives me time to think and you see, although i know of this, i still let myself spiral down to that horrible place where everything is bad. Where He hates me, where i’m not important to anyone, where i think i can die without anyone noticing.

Life is going by and i’m sitting here, holding my phone, checking on Him, thinking of Him, feeling bad about doing so because it scares the shit out of Him and of me as well. 

Count to four…

But it’s too late for me to back off. I’ve given up myself, gave Him the leash, let Him controling me…


What if He just throws it to the ground? What if He doesn’t want it anymore? What if it’s all trouble no fun for Him? Is He my Master? Does He want to be my Master?

Count to four…

Being in control, being someone’s Master.. it should be a dedication, a devotion.. not just when you feel like it.. or if it’s like this, then i have the right to be confused.


I have the right to panic…