Day 21 – feeling uneasy

Maybe it’s because this week was all about doctors and hospitals, i needed to get a paper saying i’m fit to compete and had to do a bunch of examinations. Plus i had to made stuff for my gym so i had little time to sleep. And with the competition right around the corner, i’m starting to feel nervous about that as well. Anyway, at least i got the papers and took this day off from work, so now i had a day – well an afternoon – to rest.

But this is just bullshit. My real problem is… well time flies fast and September… it’s gonna be here sooner than i expect and today i just realized i don’t want to cheat on my boyfriend. I mean yes, obviously i wasn’t gonna, but i had fantasies where He fucked me or i sucked His cock and so on.. I don’t know.. my line dividing what’s cheating and what’s not is kinda blurry. A kiss is not cheating. His cock in me would be cheating. He choking me, tying me up or hurting me in any physical way wouldn’t be cheating. I have my rules of these, but these are only physical things. Emotional cheating? Oh well, if you fall in love with somebody.. that, i would have considered cheating before. Now it’s different, because i love my boyfriend, but as much as i love him, he will never be able to give me what i need. In sex? Yes. We work pretty good together there, but almost every other aspect of our relationship needs improvement. And i know i’m not a good person, seriously what the fuck is this blog here, i\m at least i’m pretty self-conscious, i know myself pretty well and i’m trying to improve wherever i want. Important word here: Wherever i WANT. I could do more, but i’m happy with some of my issues and i’m deliberately won’t ‘fix’ them. But my boyfriend? Initially i could see him trying, but nowadays? Not really. I know it’s a complex issue and i needed to be more patient but how much of my happiness can i sacrifice while waiting on him? He’s not even trying!

I don’t wanna leave him. You can say everything about true love, but i’m sorry, real life is not a fucking fairy tale. If you want a long-time, working relationship, you have to settle for certain things. It’s not a fucking joyride, it takes patience, understanding, ability to compromise, empathy and a lot more to survive. And even when everything is there and things are working perfectly, even then, out of nowhere, can come a fucker who ruins everything.

Well i jumped from one relationship to the other all my life and i moved on when i got bored. Yes, it’s disgusting, but don’t be a hypocrite, you’ve done the same at least once. But when you reach that point in your life when you realize nothing will ever significantly change for you, you will try to settle down and try to stay in your relationship. I’m at that point now. I want to keep this. I want to have his child. Life is easy with him. We have our ups and downs, and now… we’re currently sitting in super-big hole and when i try to climb, he pulls me back. It’s not that bad as my previous partners were though and unlike those relationships, this one i want to fix.

But you see… How can i put effort in it, when He is here for me? When i finally starting to accept that He loves me back? When i’m not panicking anymore? And we’re gonna meet in 15 weeks… And what i need from Him…

That is considered cheating even by my fucked up standards.

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