Day 28 – how to cope

The worst part is probably that i don’t really know what’s going on now. I can’t do “lets be friends only” with Him. Not after what He has done to me. Not after everything we went through. I thought i buried everything 2 years after my first and only D/s relationship. Yeah, i’ve been trying to find a new guy after that and went on with a few, but all was terrible. People usually don’t get this whole thing right. So i gave up. I pushed my needs back and eventually i managed to forget about them. Years passed and i was completely fine.

Then He came, out of nowhere. I mean i don’t even know how this whole thing happened, we were only playing together, then i was already deep in cyber fucking, orgasm control and whatnot. And He was so good in it… He got full control of me just like that. And i gave Him everything gladly. Because… Why not?! I enjoyed it, He woke everything up in me, every need, every suppressed feeling.. they came to the surface and i couldn’t ignore them anymore.

I had a choice back at some point. Either i accept myself as a sub for life or i push back everything again knowing they will eventually come back again sometime. I chose the first option. This is still fucking hard for me. My boyfriend never will be my master, he just never could. He’s not like that. So knowing this i still chose the first option. Because i thought [John] will be there for me forever. When i said i will be His always and forever those weren’t just empty words, those weren’t just a part of a game. I meant those words. And honestly? I thought He knew it. I mean He just can’t be that cruel to accept full submission from me and think it’s only a game. I know Him that much, He is not cruel like that….

Anyway yesterday i was texting Him i will touch myself, because this is the only thing He can control from a distance. Well, only thing He was interested in to control – i think i would be a super great dom.. i have soooo many ideas, oh God… But back to the subject, so i’ve told Him i’ll do it. He said “Yeah, okay” and i replied “i wasn’t asking”. My heart was pounding so fast because i knew whatever His next line will be it’ll decide everything.

“I know” He replied. Which in my reading means He’s given up on me as His sub. It felt exactly the same as my first Dom said “This is too easy for me” before he left and never came back. The difference is He’s still here. And He wants to keep me around as a friend i guess. Oh yeah, and i have my plane tickets. Fuck.. i just don’t know how to cope! I love Him as a friend, yes. And i don’t want to lose Him obviously but it’s just too fucking hard after all of this.

I have this choker necklace. While i’m wearing it He knows He owns me whether He wants it or not. I was thinking getting it off, making it easy for both of us, but i can’t. I can write anything here, i can lie to you, to Him and to myself saying i will forget Him or i don’t need Him anymore but it’s all bullshit while i keep that lace around my neck.

And i will keep it.

Always and forever.

I didn’t touch myself.

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