Day 28 – how to cope

The worst part is probably that i don’t really know what’s going on now. I can’t do “lets be friends only” with Him. Not after what He has done to me. Not after everything we went through. I thought i buried everything 2 years after my first and only D/s relationship. Yeah, i’ve been trying to find a new guy after that and went on with a few, but all was terrible. People usually don’t get this whole thing right. So i gave up. I pushed my needs back and eventually i managed to forget about them. Years passed and i was completely fine.

Then He came, out of nowhere. I mean i don’t even know how this whole thing happened, we were only playing together, then i was already deep in cyber fucking, orgasm control and whatnot. And He was so good in it… He got full control of me just like that. And i gave Him everything gladly. Because… Why not?! I enjoyed it, He woke everything up in me, every need, every suppressed feeling.. they came to the surface and i couldn’t ignore them anymore.

I had a choice back at some point. Either i accept myself as a sub for life or i push back everything again knowing they will eventually come back again sometime. I chose the first option. This is still fucking hard for me. My boyfriend never will be my master, he just never could. He’s not like that. So knowing this i still chose the first option. Because i thought [John] will be there for me forever. When i said i will be His always and forever those weren’t just empty words, those weren’t just a part of a game. I meant those words. And honestly? I thought He knew it. I mean He just can’t be that cruel to accept full submission from me and think it’s only a game. I know Him that much, He is not cruel like that….

Anyway yesterday i was texting Him i will touch myself, because this is the only thing He can control from a distance. Well, only thing He was interested in to control – i think i would be a super great dom.. i have soooo many ideas, oh God… But back to the subject, so i’ve told Him i’ll do it. He said “Yeah, okay” and i replied “i wasn’t asking”. My heart was pounding so fast because i knew whatever His next line will be it’ll decide everything.

“I know” He replied. Which in my reading means He’s given up on me as His sub. It felt exactly the same as my first Dom said “This is too easy for me” before he left and never came back. The difference is He’s still here. And He wants to keep me around as a friend i guess. Oh yeah, and i have my plane tickets. Fuck.. i just don’t know how to cope! I love Him as a friend, yes. And i don’t want to lose Him obviously but it’s just too fucking hard after all of this.

I have this choker necklace. While i’m wearing it He knows He owns me whether He wants it or not. I was thinking getting it off, making it easy for both of us, but i can’t. I can write anything here, i can lie to you, to Him and to myself saying i will forget Him or i don’t need Him anymore but it’s all bullshit while i keep that lace around my neck.

And i will keep it.

Always and forever.

I didn’t touch myself.

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Day 27 – i am nobody’s whore

Oh but i want to be. I want to be His slut, His babygirl, His obsession. I need my Master, i miss Him. I want Him to whisper filth to me. I want Him to write more. I need Him to think of me as His posession. 

I said no to Him today and He let me. I ment it and He knew it. He is so perfect in every way, with all of His flaws, with all of His imperfections. 

Ah.. i just realized… This is why i feel so down lately. He was there for me as a friend, which is good and i need Him that way as well. BUT i also need Him to punish me when i’m bad. To dominate me, to fill my head with His sweet voice, to – for a few minutes – make me forget everything else. I need Him to become one with me.

I love Him. I will never let Him go.

He is my life.

Day 27 – running in circles

Ups and downs… Always ups and downs. Sometimes i feel like i want to stop moving breathing and living alltogether. 

I want Him to be many thigs, but He’s none of them. 

Maybe i want too much. Probably it’s all my fault. I shouldn’t have fallen in love in the first place. But i CANT FUCKING HELP IT. It just wont go away and He will keep breaking my heart. Into million tiny pieces which will never fit together again. It hurts. Sometimes its good but now? What i feel now is pure pain. Like someone is stabbing me in the chest… Will it ever be more bearable? Or do i need to really stop? Should i try again to forget everything? Would it be better if id disappeared? 

So many questions and i dont have the answers. I want Him but i can’t have Him. 

Fuck this shit. 

Anger, frustration, doubt, lonliness, desperation, obsession…

I miss Him so much… I keep thinking back when we started talking.. How He wouldn’t stop texting, how i could feel His obsession with me as well. Now those are gone and they’ll never be back. Things change. Either i can except them or i should leave.

Day 19 – morning

I feel like i should diappear. Just delete everything and never look back. I’m such a drama queen, jesus.. But i loved those times when He was worried about me when i wasn’t texting Him… I don’t think He would miss me if i just stopped. I think He would be only angry. Fuck i don’t know. I really hate texts. You just can’t get how the other would say those things. Without His voice… ah fuck me.. i haven’t heard His voice in days! He just fucking doesn’t give a shit! Aaaaand now i’m crying. God i want to drink…

Sweettalk

I love you and yes [pause] you are my whore

Im not gonna just hold your fucking hand… [pause] Im not gonna fuck you, but im gonna punish you. You will get what you want

Hold it, hold it, hold it, bitch

That’s my good girl

Beautiful woman of my dreams

I’m sorry, what did you say? Yes, what? 

You are amazing. Never let anyone tell you different

Do as you are told

Deny me again and I will hurt you… ways you can’t even imagine

Your body is stunning

Its [His cock] yours in September if you can just do as you are told baby. If not all you will get is pain

You can save it for me because that pussy clit and arse hole are MINE

Remember even when you can’t speak to me whenever I’m not about. Even when I haven’t managed to send you a heart for a while, you’re never far from my thoughts. If you feel alone, remember that.

Show me your pussy, slave. NOW!

Day 14 – anxiety spiral

Oh well.. I knew this would happen eventually. He’s having a bad day. Bad mood, trouble with work, so even though He could, He’s not talking with me. This gives me time to think and you see, although i know of this, i still let myself spiral down to that horrible place where everything is bad. Where He hates me, where i’m not important to anyone, where i think i can die without anyone noticing.

Life is going by and i’m sitting here, holding my phone, checking on Him, thinking of Him, feeling bad about doing so because it scares the shit out of Him and of me as well. 

Count to four…

But it’s too late for me to back off. I’ve given up myself, gave Him the leash, let Him controling me…

Inhale…

What if He just throws it to the ground? What if He doesn’t want it anymore? What if it’s all trouble no fun for Him? Is He my Master? Does He want to be my Master?

Count to four…

Being in control, being someone’s Master.. it should be a dedication, a devotion.. not just when you feel like it.. or if it’s like this, then i have the right to be confused.

Exhale…

I have the right to panic…