Day 27 – running in circles

Ups and downs… Always ups and downs. Sometimes i feel like i want to stop moving breathing and living alltogether. 

I want Him to be many thigs, but He’s none of them. 

Maybe i want too much. Probably it’s all my fault. I shouldn’t have fallen in love in the first place. But i CANT FUCKING HELP IT. It just wont go away and He will keep breaking my heart. Into million tiny pieces which will never fit together again. It hurts. Sometimes its good but now? What i feel now is pure pain. Like someone is stabbing me in the chest… Will it ever be more bearable? Or do i need to really stop? Should i try again to forget everything? Would it be better if id disappeared? 

So many questions and i dont have the answers. I want Him but i can’t have Him. 

Fuck this shit. 

Anger, frustration, doubt, lonliness, desperation, obsession…

I miss Him so much… I keep thinking back when we started talking.. How He wouldn’t stop texting, how i could feel His obsession with me as well. Now those are gone and they’ll never be back. Things change. Either i can except them or i should leave.

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Day 21 – feeling uneasy

Maybe it’s because this week was all about doctors and hospitals, i needed to get a paper saying i’m fit to compete and had to do a bunch of examinations. Plus i had to made stuff for my gym so i had little time to sleep. And with the competition right around the corner, i’m starting to feel nervous about that as well. Anyway, at least i got the papers and took this day off from work, so now i had a day – well an afternoon – to rest.

But this is just bullshit. My real problem is… well time flies fast and September… it’s gonna be here sooner than i expect and today i just realized i don’t want to cheat on my boyfriend. I mean yes, obviously i wasn’t gonna, but i had fantasies where He fucked me or i sucked His cock and so on.. I don’t know.. my line dividing what’s cheating and what’s not is kinda blurry. A kiss is not cheating. His cock in me would be cheating. He choking me, tying me up or hurting me in any physical way wouldn’t be cheating. I have my rules of these, but these are only physical things. Emotional cheating? Oh well, if you fall in love with somebody.. that, i would have considered cheating before. Now it’s different, because i love my boyfriend, but as much as i love him, he will never be able to give me what i need. In sex? Yes. We work pretty good together there, but almost every other aspect of our relationship needs improvement. And i know i’m not a good person, seriously what the fuck is this blog here, i\m at least i’m pretty self-conscious, i know myself pretty well and i’m trying to improve wherever i want. Important word here: Wherever i WANT. I could do more, but i’m happy with some of my issues and i’m deliberately won’t ‘fix’ them. But my boyfriend? Initially i could see him trying, but nowadays? Not really. I know it’s a complex issue and i needed to be more patient but how much of my happiness can i sacrifice while waiting on him? He’s not even trying!

I don’t wanna leave him. You can say everything about true love, but i’m sorry, real life is not a fucking fairy tale. If you want a long-time, working relationship, you have to settle for certain things. It’s not a fucking joyride, it takes patience, understanding, ability to compromise, empathy and a lot more to survive. And even when everything is there and things are working perfectly, even then, out of nowhere, can come a fucker who ruins everything.

Well i jumped from one relationship to the other all my life and i moved on when i got bored. Yes, it’s disgusting, but don’t be a hypocrite, you’ve done the same at least once. But when you reach that point in your life when you realize nothing will ever significantly change for you, you will try to settle down and try to stay in your relationship. I’m at that point now. I want to keep this. I want to have his child. Life is easy with him. We have our ups and downs, and now… we’re currently sitting in super-big hole and when i try to climb, he pulls me back. It’s not that bad as my previous partners were though and unlike those relationships, this one i want to fix.

But you see… How can i put effort in it, when He is here for me? When i finally starting to accept that He loves me back? When i’m not panicking anymore? And we’re gonna meet in 15 weeks… And what i need from Him…

That is considered cheating even by my fucked up standards.

Day 20 – morning

Yesterday was perfect. Well not perfect perfect, but close enough. No panic, no worries, for the first time in many many days i really was fine. Of course we were fighting with my boyfriend – us fighting’s getting to be the basline of our relationship nowadays… But it’s not like i’m sitting there in quiet not letting him know it’ll poison our realtionship… I tell him how i feel, i fuckimg won’t let anyone there guessing. I’m not that girl. If i have something on my mind i fucking tell it. Straight, honest, no hints… Anyway, besides our usual fight with boyfriend (which at least was based on real problems instead of fictive ones, at least) everything was okay. Small progress with work, taking care of doctor stuff for the competition and… Well, Him. I was alright without Him all day, i was really busy. Then at night… God, He was so sweet. He is perfect in so many ways. He made a video for me and hearing His voice finally.. well it almost made me cry… happy tears though. That was the last thing of my day and i fell asleep smiling, which i don’t even know when happened last time. He read the blog again though (His excuse He was bored… i really should move this to somewhere else) maybe that’s what made Him realize how important He really is to me.. Ahh i don’t know, He probably knows this without my blog anyway… So, yes. Yesterday was perfect. Perfect with all its flaws, just as i like. 

Day 16 – not thinking of Him

Emptyness. 

It’s been 12 hours since we talked properly.

When i asked for permission to touch He said “think of me”. Well fuck Him, i won’t!

There won’t be any good night text from Him, i just know it. I’ve unsent my messages, they were there for a couple of hours, unseen. Aaaaahhh FUCK! I hate this fucking obsession of mine! I hate Him! I hate Him! I FUCKING HATE HIM!

I need a drink…

I won’t think of Him! Never ever again!

And if He reads this? Then i’m gonna fucking murder Him, fucking asshole, stupid shit! How dare He not think of me???

Right, vodka… 

Cheers

Darkness

It’s dark in here. I’m alone. Deep down, in a hole, far away from friendy eyes.. there is nothing friendly here. Only bones, guts and blood. I feel sick. I don’t want to be here, I cry for help but only the echo of my own voice responses. I try to climb but I keep falling back. Just let me die then – I scream into the darkness. No answer. Even the echo left me. I am alone. Fear takes control of me. I start to shake, I try to stop it but it’s no use. 

Back in the day this would have been a perfect time to hurt myself. I still have my last blade hidden somewhere. As a reminder, that I could do it but I chose not to. I made my decision. Never again. Now I have my vodka to ease the pain.

I don’t like being lonely.

I ask Him to say He loves me but it’s too late, He’s already gone to sleep. I’ll find His nicest texts instead… that’ll help me to calm down.

Good night