Day 27 – i am nobody’s whore

Oh but i want to be. I want to be His slut, His babygirl, His obsession. I need my Master, i miss Him. I want Him to whisper filth to me. I want Him to write more. I need Him to think of me as His posession. 

I said no to Him today and He let me. I ment it and He knew it. He is so perfect in every way, with all of His flaws, with all of His imperfections. 

Ah.. i just realized… This is why i feel so down lately. He was there for me as a friend, which is good and i need Him that way as well. BUT i also need Him to punish me when i’m bad. To dominate me, to fill my head with His sweet voice, to – for a few minutes – make me forget everything else. I need Him to become one with me.

I love Him. I will never let Him go.

He is my life.

Advertisements

Day 18 – easy day

Mostly we didn’t talk today, somehow I feel safe. It’s so rare that i have to treasure it while it lasts. Then when He got back and could text again, He was so sweet. I don’t care if everything has to stop if He remains my friend. My light in the dark. My beacon of hope. My best friend. 

I know it’s way more than that from my part… but it’s gonna stay like this. He likes me, i know that much and that is more than enough. As long as He lets me hear His voice, as long as He listens to my problems and struggles, i am genuinely happy. In exchange i can give Him my devotion, my love and my life.

This day.. It was challenging for me. Anniversary of my ED so i went through of my old photos, listened to a song which was my fave back then, i’ve even posted about it on facebook.. The other thing is.. excuse me if it’s too much information, but today i’ve got my period – 18th time since we started trying for a baby. It gets to me every time. I just can’t get used to the disappointment. I’m probably not ready anyway, but it’s like i’ve been hit in the stomach. Plus i won’t drink anymore, which is also challenging considering i drank every day in the past month. But the competition is here (at Sat) and i really don’t want to waste more money on alcohol. I don’t need any addiction in my life besides Him.

So to sum it up, today has been my best day since i’ve started this blog. Best as in it was freaking hard, but i really do feel safe, appreciated and if not wanted exactly, but something very close to it.

He had a nice time with His woman which made me jealous because a few hours before He was all about leaving her… But they worked it out for now at least and i did great making myself forget the jealousy part. I have to force myself, but it’s working. I said i never could be jealous of her.. but it’s obviously not 100% true. She’s the one who gets to touch Him, who gets to listen to His heart. Who can see Him smile, who can make Him smile. She’s there, and i’ll never be able to. Anyway… i’m happy when He’s happy – and He seems to be doing just fine.

Day 16 – not thinking of Him

Emptyness. 

It’s been 12 hours since we talked properly.

When i asked for permission to touch He said “think of me”. Well fuck Him, i won’t!

There won’t be any good night text from Him, i just know it. I’ve unsent my messages, they were there for a couple of hours, unseen. Aaaaahhh FUCK! I hate this fucking obsession of mine! I hate Him! I hate Him! I FUCKING HATE HIM!

I need a drink…

I won’t think of Him! Never ever again!

And if He reads this? Then i’m gonna fucking murder Him, fucking asshole, stupid shit! How dare He not think of me???

Right, vodka… 

Cheers

Day 7 – plane tickets

God i can’t believe it! I’ve bought the tickets. 4 months from now… So much can happen until then. Lets just hope everything stay as it is now.

I just wish to see Him. To hear His voice while i’m looking at Him. To be close to Him, maybe to touch Him, if He lets me. To feel the warmth of His skin. To look into His eyes…

Aaaaagghhh… 4 months…

I’m full of hope, but i’m also terrified to death. And He’s not here, He’s not talking to me.

Today i won’t get anything from Him. All this waiting is killing me.

 Be strong for Him – my inner voice tells me. If you’ll be good, He will reward you. Stay good, be happy, smile! Breathe. You know the drill:

Count to four. Inhale. Count to four. Exhale.

Day 7 – morning

I am so not ready for Him.
I texted Him good morning.

Nothing.

Minutes are passing by.. 5…10..then 15
I knew He was awake. Then i couldn’t resist, i checked it on messenger.

Active 5 minutes ago.

I hate this. I hate this in myself.
More waiting, i’m checking my phone in every two seconds. Then a ‘Hey’ appears. I text Him back, not telling Him how i feel.
Nothing again.

What the fuck is going on? I start to panic, cramps in my stomach etc…

I know i shouldn’t be worried but i can’t help it. I’m trying to focus on His voice, i can hear Him in my head saying He loves me.

It doesn’t help. I’m falling into the darkness. Entering into that spiral which pulls you down. I won’t let it, though. I am stronger than this.

His good girl. If i make Him upset, He won’t stay. I have to be happy for Him. I want His reward. I need Him.

I have to force walking proud. I have to pay attention to keep my chest out, my shoulders down and my chin up. If it doesn’t show, it’ll pass. Tears filling up my eyes, i concentrate on breathing.

Count to four. Inhale. Count to four. Exhale.

I have to let this go. At least for today.

I just needed a few nice words to wake up to. He said He will text me. I didn’t ask for it.

Breathing helped. No tears for Him.

I will smile – even if it’s killing me inside.

[40mins later]

He called me sweetie. My cramps and my panic disappears instantly. He knows i like it when He calls me sweetie.

I love Him. More and more with every breath i take… and hold… for Him. Forever.

Day 6 – afternoon

I must have been a really good girl… He was so pleased with me. And He gave me what i wanted. It was so perfect, how He teased me while i was on my way home, He made me so horny i was shaking. Then i had to take a shower and He only wanted to see a picture of my ass. Then we talked.

He talked…

His voice.. The sweetest thing on earth. Strong, demanding and soft and caring all in the same time. Even when He’s only talking about training or grocery shopping or anything.. it gets me every time. I’m clinging on His words. It makes me forget everything else. While He talks, nothing else exists. He fills up my mind, shutting out everything, making room for nothing else.

He called me His good girl… Then He asked me if i was His whore.. i said yes…
‘Yes, what?’ – he asked.
‘Yes, Sir. Sorry, Sir.’ – i answered.
‘Better’ – He said…

He told me a story. A very detailed one. He listened to me moaning and panting asking questions if i was doing as i was told. I did everything exactly as He asked – sorry, wanted it. He told me when to breathe in, told me for how long to hold it and – not like before – this time it was freakin hard to hold it! When i started to moan in discomfort, He told me to hold it. Then He told me to hold even longer. Then He let me breathe out and i was panting, moaning and screaming in pleasure. I think He enjoyed that.

He could hear on my voice when i was close… He said He wants to come when i do and that… well it was just perfect. He did come in the exact moment i did and it made it fucking perfect. For me it was so full of emotions it made me cry. Then He said he would hug me, hold me tight, He said He would be there for me, to calm me and i could hear in His voice He really really ment what He said. He said He loves me. My heartrate slowed.. i could breathe normally once again, then He said something which made my heart beat faster once again.

You have to know we’re planning to meet in Sept. His country. I really don’t know what to expect. Until now i was thinking we would talk, He said mayne hold hands a lot.. but you see, now He starts to talk about a friend there. With a room. He talks about how He would take me there.

I’m not gonna just hold your fucking hand…
[Pause]
I’m not gonna fuck you, but I’m gonna punish you. You will get what you want

God.. What if He’s serious? What if He means it? I don’t even know which one would make me happier.. if He means it, or not.

But i do know, don’t i?! I want Him to punish me. I want Him to choke me until i pass out, i want Him to hold me tight, i want Him to explore my body, i want Him to make me suck His cock and i want Him to come in my mouth and kiss me after…

Day 3 – morning

Much can happen within 24 hours.. I don’t even know where to start. After I posted yesterday, I finished my first drink then went to training. It started as shit, but turned out pretty well at the end. The guys were super supportive, one of them a psychiatrist student gave me a number – I think he saw that I’m completely fucked up at the moment…

After training I rushed back home, chose my dress, did my make up and rushed to the wedding. I was panicking again. I went alone and met my boyfriend there – he also was working before. Anyway, as soon as I stepped inside, I grabbed a drink. I was the first one being drunk there. That was my only aim at the beginning. Get drunk, stay drunk. My phone battery was dying so I wasn’t sure how long can I talk with Him. He barely texted the whole day.

Then I did something stupid.

me: I’m really drunk
        I wanna show you the blog
He: Send me a link ffs
        My day can’t get any shittier
me: [link]
        Just don’t block me
        ❤
        I love you, in case I die

Then the endless waiting began… Drink after drink, me sitting there, checking my phone, watching my battery go down form 20% to 18%… He hasn’t even seen my text! 16% – nothing. 14% – nothing and so on.

After 82 minutes He finally saw my texts and after 14 more minutes He read everything.

I think He was pleased.

After we went home, I put my phone on charger. He was still up, thank God. We talked and He was super sweet again

me: Sooooo about the blog
        Are You okay with it?
He: Yes, it’s fine.
       …. beyond fine
me: I’m a bit embarrasssed
        It’s like… I don’t know…
        Pure me
He: That’s why I rewarded you
me: God
He: I get it

He continued our story! Oh yeah and the best thing? This i missed to tell you on Day 1 – He eventually let me use His part as well! So I’ll post them on every Mon and Thurs. This is perfect right now!

He: I told you before I’m like a cenobite. I know
       what’s inside you, I’m your angel and
       your demon all at once. I try not to be, I want to
       just be an angel, because that’s what is good
       for you. But… but I know you need the demon as well.
me: I don’t even know which one i need more
He: Which is why i’m both
me: but then BE BOTH
        I don’t wanna stop
        I really don’t
        I can try, if that’s what You want, but i don’t want to!
He: I know and I can’t get you out of my head
       I’ve tried

I think He took me back.

I am so confused though… I’m happy but scared at the same time. I just don’t wanna believe it yet… He said we have to talk things trough. Set up rules I guess. I’ll do whatever He wants as long as He keeps me around.

Everything is fragile.

I have to be the perfect slave for Him, I have to be good.