Mostly we didn’t talk today, somehow I feel safe. It’s so rare that i have to treasure it while it lasts. Then when He got back and could text again, He was so sweet. I don’t care if everything has to stop if He remains my friend. My light in the dark. My beacon of hope. My best friend.
I know it’s way more than that from my part… but it’s gonna stay like this. He likes me, i know that much and that is more than enough. As long as He lets me hear His voice, as long as He listens to my problems and struggles, i am genuinely happy. In exchange i can give Him my devotion, my love and my life.
This day.. It was challenging for me. Anniversary of my ED so i went through of my old photos, listened to a song which was my fave back then, i’ve even posted about it on facebook.. The other thing is.. excuse me if it’s too much information, but today i’ve got my period – 18th time since we started trying for a baby. It gets to me every time. I just can’t get used to the disappointment. I’m probably not ready anyway, but it’s like i’ve been hit in the stomach. Plus i won’t drink anymore, which is also challenging considering i drank every day in the past month. But the competition is here (at Sat) and i really don’t want to waste more money on alcohol. I don’t need any addiction in my life besides Him.
So to sum it up, today has been my best day since i’ve started this blog. Best as in it was freaking hard, but i really do feel safe, appreciated and if not wanted exactly, but something very close to it.
He had a nice time with His woman which made me jealous because a few hours before He was all about leaving her… But they worked it out for now at least and i did great making myself forget the jealousy part. I have to force myself, but it’s working. I said i never could be jealous of her.. but it’s obviously not 100% true. She’s the one who gets to touch Him, who gets to listen to His heart. Who can see Him smile, who can make Him smile. She’s there, and i’ll never be able to. Anyway… i’m happy when He’s happy – and He seems to be doing just fine.