Day 18 – easy day

Mostly we didn’t talk today, somehow I feel safe. It’s so rare that i have to treasure it while it lasts. Then when He got back and could text again, He was so sweet. I don’t care if everything has to stop if He remains my friend. My light in the dark. My beacon of hope. My best friend. 

I know it’s way more than that from my part… but it’s gonna stay like this. He likes me, i know that much and that is more than enough. As long as He lets me hear His voice, as long as He listens to my problems and struggles, i am genuinely happy. In exchange i can give Him my devotion, my love and my life.

This day.. It was challenging for me. Anniversary of my ED so i went through of my old photos, listened to a song which was my fave back then, i’ve even posted about it on facebook.. The other thing is.. excuse me if it’s too much information, but today i’ve got my period – 18th time since we started trying for a baby. It gets to me every time. I just can’t get used to the disappointment. I’m probably not ready anyway, but it’s like i’ve been hit in the stomach. Plus i won’t drink anymore, which is also challenging considering i drank every day in the past month. But the competition is here (at Sat) and i really don’t want to waste more money on alcohol. I don’t need any addiction in my life besides Him.

So to sum it up, today has been my best day since i’ve started this blog. Best as in it was freaking hard, but i really do feel safe, appreciated and if not wanted exactly, but something very close to it.

He had a nice time with His woman which made me jealous because a few hours before He was all about leaving her… But they worked it out for now at least and i did great making myself forget the jealousy part. I have to force myself, but it’s working. I said i never could be jealous of her.. but it’s obviously not 100% true. She’s the one who gets to touch Him, who gets to listen to His heart. Who can see Him smile, who can make Him smile. She’s there, and i’ll never be able to. Anyway… i’m happy when He’s happy – and He seems to be doing just fine.

Day 16 – not thinking of Him

Emptyness. 

It’s been 12 hours since we talked properly.

When i asked for permission to touch He said “think of me”. Well fuck Him, i won’t!

There won’t be any good night text from Him, i just know it. I’ve unsent my messages, they were there for a couple of hours, unseen. Aaaaahhh FUCK! I hate this fucking obsession of mine! I hate Him! I hate Him! I FUCKING HATE HIM!

I need a drink…

I won’t think of Him! Never ever again!

And if He reads this? Then i’m gonna fucking murder Him, fucking asshole, stupid shit! How dare He not think of me???

Right, vodka… 

Cheers

Day 12 – night

As the vodka pours down on my throat, the cramping in my stomach eases. He’s back. I can stay. Somehow i still feel shit. He only wrote a few lines in the whole evening, so i have no idea what’s going on really. I’m not tired. I couldn’t sleep even if i was tired. Maybe tomorrow He’ll be back for real… I’m not expecting Him to text me good morning though.. Maybe things will never be the same.. Maybe they will…

One thing is for sure. No more orgasms for me until He lets me and since we’re not really talking, especially not of this kind of things, it’s gonna be a while.

I texted Him “I love You”,
He texted me “Night”

My heart is breaking… Should i let Him go? But what does a slave worth without her Master? Who am i without Him? I know it’s a big responsibility, but isn’t it to late for Him to back off? When He already got everything from me… He said it’s hard for Him to be my everything and nothing all at once – Yes. It’s fucking hard. Hard for me as well, i am the one who will never get Him completely. I do understand He won’t leave His family and i wouldn’t even think of asking that from Him. I’m okay with things as they are/were..

Or maybe it’ll pass… Fuck, i’m crying so hard. Can this pass? Can this stop somehow?

No, no, no, no, shut up you stupid coward cow!

I DON’T WANT IT TO STOP.

I can take the pain. For Him i can endure anything.

[and just when i published this He wrote He loves me.. it’s like He knows… how can He always know what i need? It is scary…]

Day 1

Technically it hasn’t been a day yet, but it’s past midnight so I’m gonna call this day 1.

Sad news is.. He won’t let me go that easy. We are talking right now and He is so sweet again… I can feel a panic attack coming, those cramps in my stomach… We used to play in this time. I removed Him from my friendlist, I couldn’t bare to see Him online. God I miss Him so bad.. He said he loves me. I … I just feel happy, now He gave me back hope..

I’ll try to be a good girl for Him, even though He wants me to stop. But you know, I can feel He’s addicted to me as well – right now I can feel it crystal clear.

{15 mins later}

I could fucking kill Him. Or I want Him to kill me… When I had sex with my boyfriend.. I tried to push Him back, close Him out, but He was there, I couldn’t focus on my boyfriend! How fucked up that is? His face keeps coming to my mind, I imagine Him being there, fucking me and it makes me horny! Yeah, I know it’s not good and I should do something, but that’s what I’m doing here, isn’t it? Trying to get everything back on track. To forget Him somehow…

[15 mins later]

I really should go to sleep, but my vodka is calling for me from my drawer. My secret stash, God, I can’t believe I went this low.. The other day I was drunk, like proper drunk before noon. There are at least 15 bottles around my coffee table and I’m drinking right now. It’s only a cider though. But imagine this. You wake up, 40-90 mins before your alarm and then your stomach starts to hurt like crazy from stress, from anxiety and from all the shit that’s going on what would you do? I can’t breathe! I’m hyperventilating and shits like this. I just… need to do something that calms me down. And alcohol does that.. for now.

I used to cut myself but I’m not doing that anymore. Never ever again. And I know drinking can’t stay either, but for now.. it helps just enough to keep me sane.

Alright, lets try sleeping. Night.

[20 mins later]

Ps.: Maybe you’re wondering how my boyfriend doesn’t notice things are seriously wrong with me.. well in his defense, he knows. He just can’t help me. I feel sorry for him, it was never my intention to hurt him. I love him, we gave so many good things to eachother… But infertility is a bitch and it takes a toll on a relationship.. may be that’s why I need/needed somebody else who makes me feel important. Fuck knows, I’m talking shit, gotta go to sleep….

God I need Him

I wanna dream about Him…

Basics

I won’t tell you much right now. I’m 30. He’s older. We live in different countries. We met online and I fell for Him within a heartbeat. We found out pretty soon that we’re very very similar. I missed dominance from my life for so long and then I found Him. The perfect Master.

After a few weeks of texting we started to write our fantasies. I’ll post them one-by-one on every Thursday. I write as Chloe, he writes as John. We wanted to do a blog together, but lets just face it… It’s never gonna happen. So I might as well do it alone by myself. I’ll post His parts as well. We don’t have much bc of the things that happened, but I want you to see everything. Then the writing turned into talking and He was too good in it. He could make me come with His words only… I’ve never felt so intense orgasms before Him. It’s… how can I put this… If you are somebody familiar or experienced in BDSM you’ll know what I’m talking about. When you found your perfect match, your Master. When everything He says turns you on, makes you horny… Ah He has such an intense effect on me! God I have to stop…

So… I’m in a relationship of 2 years now. I was happy and in love before I’ve met Him. Then everything got redefined… Anyway. with my boyfriend we’re trying for a child for like.. how long is it? 18 months now… He has a child from a previous relationship and I’m taking it pretty hard. I’ll talk about this more later I think.

Besides these two man in my life I run a business which is dying currently and I’m not sure I can make it work. If it collapses I won’t have a job anymore and I won’t have anything to keep me in my country.  My boyfriend wouldn’t come with me abroad bc of his kid.

I can’t let it collapse. I would move to His town… and nobody wants that…

Back to BDSM… I had a Master before.. he was… we were together for a very short period of time but it took a pretty big impact on my life. Have you ever had a relationship from which you just couldn’t get out regardless how hard you tried? It took me 2 years to forget that one and I’m afraid this current one will take even longer…

One more random fact for you to help you understand me… I was cutting up myself from age 8. That was my only way to deal with pain… Then at age 27 anorexia came, and after I got better and started to train I promised myself I’ll never hurt myself again. But since then.. well this is the first time I’m experiencing real stress and I don’t know how to cope. So I do know this is like almost the worst option, but I’ve started drinking to relieve stress… It’s working pretty good sadly. But I know I need to change this before it becomes a habit…

 

Anyway.. more later, thanks for reading…