Day 21 – feeling uneasy

Maybe it’s because this week was all about doctors and hospitals, i needed to get a paper saying i’m fit to compete and had to do a bunch of examinations. Plus i had to made stuff for my gym so i had little time to sleep. And with the competition right around the corner, i’m starting to feel nervous about that as well. Anyway, at least i got the papers and took this day off from work, so now i had a day – well an afternoon – to rest.

But this is just bullshit. My real problem is… well time flies fast and September… it’s gonna be here sooner than i expect and today i just realized i don’t want to cheat on my boyfriend. I mean yes, obviously i wasn’t gonna, but i had fantasies where He fucked me or i sucked His cock and so on.. I don’t know.. my line dividing what’s cheating and what’s not is kinda blurry. A kiss is not cheating. His cock in me would be cheating. He choking me, tying me up or hurting me in any physical way wouldn’t be cheating. I have my rules of these, but these are only physical things. Emotional cheating? Oh well, if you fall in love with somebody.. that, i would have considered cheating before. Now it’s different, because i love my boyfriend, but as much as i love him, he will never be able to give me what i need. In sex? Yes. We work pretty good together there, but almost every other aspect of our relationship needs improvement. And i know i’m not a good person, seriously what the fuck is this blog here, i\m at least i’m pretty self-conscious, i know myself pretty well and i’m trying to improve wherever i want. Important word here: Wherever i WANT. I could do more, but i’m happy with some of my issues and i’m deliberately won’t ‘fix’ them. But my boyfriend? Initially i could see him trying, but nowadays? Not really. I know it’s a complex issue and i needed to be more patient but how much of my happiness can i sacrifice while waiting on him? He’s not even trying!

I don’t wanna leave him. You can say everything about true love, but i’m sorry, real life is not a fucking fairy tale. If you want a long-time, working relationship, you have to settle for certain things. It’s not a fucking joyride, it takes patience, understanding, ability to compromise, empathy and a lot more to survive. And even when everything is there and things are working perfectly, even then, out of nowhere, can come a fucker who ruins everything.

Well i jumped from one relationship to the other all my life and i moved on when i got bored. Yes, it’s disgusting, but don’t be a hypocrite, you’ve done the same at least once. But when you reach that point in your life when you realize nothing will ever significantly change for you, you will try to settle down and try to stay in your relationship. I’m at that point now. I want to keep this. I want to have his child. Life is easy with him. We have our ups and downs, and now… we’re currently sitting in super-big hole and when i try to climb, he pulls me back. It’s not that bad as my previous partners were though and unlike those relationships, this one i want to fix.

But you see… How can i put effort in it, when He is here for me? When i finally starting to accept that He loves me back? When i’m not panicking anymore? And we’re gonna meet in 15 weeks… And what i need from Him…

That is considered cheating even by my fucked up standards.

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Day 18 – easy day

Mostly we didn’t talk today, somehow I feel safe. It’s so rare that i have to treasure it while it lasts. Then when He got back and could text again, He was so sweet. I don’t care if everything has to stop if He remains my friend. My light in the dark. My beacon of hope. My best friend. 

I know it’s way more than that from my part… but it’s gonna stay like this. He likes me, i know that much and that is more than enough. As long as He lets me hear His voice, as long as He listens to my problems and struggles, i am genuinely happy. In exchange i can give Him my devotion, my love and my life.

This day.. It was challenging for me. Anniversary of my ED so i went through of my old photos, listened to a song which was my fave back then, i’ve even posted about it on facebook.. The other thing is.. excuse me if it’s too much information, but today i’ve got my period – 18th time since we started trying for a baby. It gets to me every time. I just can’t get used to the disappointment. I’m probably not ready anyway, but it’s like i’ve been hit in the stomach. Plus i won’t drink anymore, which is also challenging considering i drank every day in the past month. But the competition is here (at Sat) and i really don’t want to waste more money on alcohol. I don’t need any addiction in my life besides Him.

So to sum it up, today has been my best day since i’ve started this blog. Best as in it was freaking hard, but i really do feel safe, appreciated and if not wanted exactly, but something very close to it.

He had a nice time with His woman which made me jealous because a few hours before He was all about leaving her… But they worked it out for now at least and i did great making myself forget the jealousy part. I have to force myself, but it’s working. I said i never could be jealous of her.. but it’s obviously not 100% true. She’s the one who gets to touch Him, who gets to listen to His heart. Who can see Him smile, who can make Him smile. She’s there, and i’ll never be able to. Anyway… i’m happy when He’s happy – and He seems to be doing just fine.

Basics

I won’t tell you much right now. I’m 30. He’s older. We live in different countries. We met online and I fell for Him within a heartbeat. We found out pretty soon that we’re very very similar. I missed dominance from my life for so long and then I found Him. The perfect Master.

After a few weeks of texting we started to write our fantasies. I’ll post them one-by-one on every Thursday. I write as Chloe, he writes as John. We wanted to do a blog together, but lets just face it… It’s never gonna happen. So I might as well do it alone by myself. I’ll post His parts as well. We don’t have much bc of the things that happened, but I want you to see everything. Then the writing turned into talking and He was too good in it. He could make me come with His words only… I’ve never felt so intense orgasms before Him. It’s… how can I put this… If you are somebody familiar or experienced in BDSM you’ll know what I’m talking about. When you found your perfect match, your Master. When everything He says turns you on, makes you horny… Ah He has such an intense effect on me! God I have to stop…

So… I’m in a relationship of 2 years now. I was happy and in love before I’ve met Him. Then everything got redefined… Anyway. with my boyfriend we’re trying for a child for like.. how long is it? 18 months now… He has a child from a previous relationship and I’m taking it pretty hard. I’ll talk about this more later I think.

Besides these two man in my life I run a business which is dying currently and I’m not sure I can make it work. If it collapses I won’t have a job anymore and I won’t have anything to keep me in my country.  My boyfriend wouldn’t come with me abroad bc of his kid.

I can’t let it collapse. I would move to His town… and nobody wants that…

Back to BDSM… I had a Master before.. he was… we were together for a very short period of time but it took a pretty big impact on my life. Have you ever had a relationship from which you just couldn’t get out regardless how hard you tried? It took me 2 years to forget that one and I’m afraid this current one will take even longer…

One more random fact for you to help you understand me… I was cutting up myself from age 8. That was my only way to deal with pain… Then at age 27 anorexia came, and after I got better and started to train I promised myself I’ll never hurt myself again. But since then.. well this is the first time I’m experiencing real stress and I don’t know how to cope. So I do know this is like almost the worst option, but I’ve started drinking to relieve stress… It’s working pretty good sadly. But I know I need to change this before it becomes a habit…

 

Anyway.. more later, thanks for reading…