That moment when He’s seen my text…
So this is how long i can remain calm without Him.
It’s 4:15am. I have to get up in 75 minutes.
I can’t sleep.
Yesterday He and i, we talked aboit how i haven’t fallen asleep in a mans arms for ages. But the real sad thing is that i can’t even sleep in the same bed with my boyfriend. Okay i know, it’s my fault as well – i fall asleep really hard and can wake up to literally the smallest noise… it wasn’t aleways like that. When i was younger i was okay, then in a bad moment a started to use xanax and it fucked up everything. Although it was more than 10 years ago, i can’t really sleep well since then.
Regardless… i feel like crying… i just want to be held… a good night sleep next to a man.
Next to Him…
I am so not ready for Him.
I texted Him good morning.
Minutes are passing by.. 5…10..then 15
I knew He was awake. Then i couldn’t resist, i checked it on messenger.
Active 5 minutes ago.
I hate this. I hate this in myself.
More waiting, i’m checking my phone in every two seconds. Then a ‘Hey’ appears. I text Him back, not telling Him how i feel.
What the fuck is going on? I start to panic, cramps in my stomach etc…
I know i shouldn’t be worried but i can’t help it. I’m trying to focus on His voice, i can hear Him in my head saying He loves me.
It doesn’t help. I’m falling into the darkness. Entering into that spiral which pulls you down. I won’t let it, though. I am stronger than this.
His good girl. If i make Him upset, He won’t stay. I have to be happy for Him. I want His reward. I need Him.
I have to force walking proud. I have to pay attention to keep my chest out, my shoulders down and my chin up. If it doesn’t show, it’ll pass. Tears filling up my eyes, i concentrate on breathing.
Count to four. Inhale. Count to four. Exhale.
I have to let this go. At least for today.
I just needed a few nice words to wake up to. He said He will text me. I didn’t ask for it.
Breathing helped. No tears for Him.
I will smile – even if it’s killing me inside.
He called me sweetie. My cramps and my panic disappears instantly. He knows i like it when He calls me sweetie.
I love Him. More and more with every breath i take… and hold… for Him. Forever.