Day 17 – pain

That moment when He’s seen my text…

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Day 8 / Day 9

It’s 4:15am. I have to get up in 75 minutes.

I can’t sleep.

Yesterday He and i, we talked aboit how i haven’t fallen asleep in a mans arms for ages. But the real sad thing is that i can’t even sleep in the same bed with my boyfriend. Okay i know, it’s my fault as well – i fall asleep really hard and can wake up to literally the smallest noise… it wasn’t aleways like that. When i was younger i was okay, then in a bad moment a started to use xanax and it fucked up everything. Although it was more than 10 years ago, i can’t really sleep well since then. 

Regardless… i feel like crying… i just want to be held… a good night sleep next to a man. 

Next to Him…

Day 7 – morning

I am so not ready for Him.
I texted Him good morning.

Nothing.

Minutes are passing by.. 5…10..then 15
I knew He was awake. Then i couldn’t resist, i checked it on messenger.

Active 5 minutes ago.

I hate this. I hate this in myself.
More waiting, i’m checking my phone in every two seconds. Then a ‘Hey’ appears. I text Him back, not telling Him how i feel.
Nothing again.

What the fuck is going on? I start to panic, cramps in my stomach etc…

I know i shouldn’t be worried but i can’t help it. I’m trying to focus on His voice, i can hear Him in my head saying He loves me.

It doesn’t help. I’m falling into the darkness. Entering into that spiral which pulls you down. I won’t let it, though. I am stronger than this.

His good girl. If i make Him upset, He won’t stay. I have to be happy for Him. I want His reward. I need Him.

I have to force walking proud. I have to pay attention to keep my chest out, my shoulders down and my chin up. If it doesn’t show, it’ll pass. Tears filling up my eyes, i concentrate on breathing.

Count to four. Inhale. Count to four. Exhale.

I have to let this go. At least for today.

I just needed a few nice words to wake up to. He said He will text me. I didn’t ask for it.

Breathing helped. No tears for Him.

I will smile – even if it’s killing me inside.

[40mins later]

He called me sweetie. My cramps and my panic disappears instantly. He knows i like it when He calls me sweetie.

I love Him. More and more with every breath i take… and hold… for Him. Forever.