Day 26 – panic, panic, panic

It’s been so long since… I don’t even know since what.. I feel less and less important day by day. We barely talk, He’s busy, i’m busy, i get it. I am just afraid that it’ll pass. For Him. I keep hearing more and more of His real girl. Things must be getting better with her, which – as a friend i should say – is good, but to be honest it makes me afraid. He keep saying “both of us” meaning His real girl and me, but..

Am i really there?

I know now is the time when i see everything darker than they’re for real but i can’t help it.  Issues with my company give a terrible baseline and on top of that comes everything. Every little thing adds something to that and now i’m at the point when literally a not well chosen word can make me cry for hours. I became inpatient, frustrated and i do know of it but still am unable to change.

Ah well, gotta go. Lawyer’s not gonna wait. Wish me luck.

Doubts

I have to be patient.
I have to be patient.
I have to be patient.
I have to be patient.

I wanna send Him nudes. I want Him to adore my body. I want Him to like me. I want Him to be my Master.
I’m having doubts but i know i need to trust Him. Trust first, then obedience.

What if He doesn’t like my body anymore?
You know he does. Nothing has changed.
What if He thinks i’m too much?
He loves you.
What if this thing is only a burden for Him?
Even when he’s super busy, he makes time for you.

What if He’s not into this as much as i am?
What if i’m only a random hobby to Him?
What if…?

My eyes are filling up with tears.
I have to stop, now.
I’m imagining Him hushing me, making me calm..

That’s not how you please your Master, is it? You make Him pleased by being happy. By smiling. By being there for Him even when He doesn’t need you. You make Him happy by being His good girl.

The voice in my head helps.

Trust. Patience. Love. I have to give Him these.

He’s my everything.