Day 24 – night

I hate this. How come after every good day there is a really shit one coming? Ive tried everything. I really did. Tried to keep off my mind from things that i knew would upset me, tried to get drunk, tried not to think of Him, but nothing worked. I still feel terrible and now i cant hold myself back. Im letting it out. Im sitting in the dark writing this shit and crying my eyes out. I still feel alone and lonely and i just want to stop. 

Things with work look really shit and i have to worry about money as well and i just cant take it anymore. 

I dont know what to do! Im scared and frustrated and i dont have anybody to talk to…

I hate this

I hate everything

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Filth – Part 2 – John

Filth – Part 1 – Chloe

It was a bit of a non day. At least it was at that moment but what I had planned would make it anything but that for my love. “My love” I smiled.
I leant against the wall hands in pockets watching the door to her block like a hawk. I barely noticed if I blinked I didn’t want to miss her reaction when she saw me. It had been building for so long this moment I knew it was going to be interesting watching her reaction when she realised I was actually here.

I stood for an hour when all of a sudden there she was! A flash of that short red hair I had seen more times than I can count. Then that face… nothing yet….. That pretty face. That face I had studied long and hard. Then a flash of those bright eyes. Looking my way……………. The moment is tangible, electric. My cock is instantly hard as I see that look of absolute terror on her face! The day she knew would come finally has. She almost stumbles her face as red as her hair she turns on her usual route as if nothing had happened. My God she hasn’t ran screaming? She hasn’t dropped to her knees and begged me to leave her alone. She hasn’t even attacked me, called the police and had me arrested. No, she has done as she was told and that makes me even harder.

I follow her matching her steps she is desperately trying to fight the urge to run I can tell. She sped up a bit heading for her tram stop but she’s early. I know this because I’ve followed her 6 times previously to this and she doesn’t even know it.. twice I’ve been so close I’ve managed to take items from her bag. One of now sits , gripped tightly in my hand.

She gets onto a tram. It’s not hers! I’ve panicked her so much she’s got on the wrong fucking tram! This has ruined my plan bitch! A crowd of people block my path and I suddenly loose sight of her and at the same time my erection! Fucking bitch I will kill you if you run now. Fuck! Where is she? Did she get off? She better not! She knows the rules of the game and until now she has been a good girl. She has done everything I’ve asked but this! For this she will fucking pay!

Then I see her at the very back of the car she hasn’t seen me eyes cast down but I can tell from her shoulders she thinks I’ve gone. I can see her hands aren’t shaking anymore. She actually thinks she’s got away.

I step up right behind her the tram is pretty packed so no one notices. I’m so close I can smell her perfume smell the new colour in her hair, the faint smell of the soap she washed her firm athletes body with that morning then I feel her tense up! She’s felt my breath on her neck. She knows that I’m there my cock springs up again,. I want to sink my teeth into her neck so deep it draws blood. I want to reach round and rip at her clothes. I want to cover her mouth with my hand and rape her right here and now! This is made worse by the fact I can now smell her… pussy……my God. .I do believe she has come right there inches from me and I didn’t even touch her! I have to go it’s all too much to know how much power I have over her. I want to come so badly now it’s hard to not touch my cock as I move quickly away .I force the door and leave the tram almost falling on my face as I do.

I take my hand from my pocket it’s been so tightly clasped the contents have dug into my hand blood drips from between my bunched fist. I open my hand and stare at her spare key “right bitch I’ll see you at home” I say with a grin. . . My cock is once again rock hard!

Day 3 – night

Im getting resstless. He’s not available. He’s not talking to me.

It seems if I dont get my dose of Him, things can go south pretty fast.

I dont want Him to know this.

I am obsessed and i’m not sure He’d be pleased to know of it.

Anyway, I even went online for a match, I was hoping to catch Him there, but I couldn’t. Maybe He’s not playing.. I honestly have no idea. It would be easy to check, but I don’t wanna make myself sad.. At least I did great, 4 pilot, 2 titan kills and only 1 death. 

[3 hours later]

I don’t know what to say. I’m fucking furious. I know it’s fucking selfish but i can’t help it! My boyfriend picked a fight with me at midnight. He keeps doing this and it’s fucking boring! I hate it! He just keeps telling things over and over again makimg himself more and more angry and there we are 60 minutes later, having the same problems and solving nothing. Then he can’t sleep enough bc we stayed up late and then i have to get his shifts that he could sleep more and it makes me so angry! But the thing is… i had to leave Him bc of this fight and it made Him angry as well and now i’m not sure what will happen.. As i said before, everything is fragile and i really try to be good and try not to upset neither of them, but it’s fucking HARD!

I’m trying to swallow back my tears, if i lose Him because of jealousy i will leave my boyfriend. I don’t care if i’ll end up alone.

You see, i’ve tried to get my bf into this… he could have been my master, i wanted him to be, i asked him, i tried to ease him into it – oh but nooo, if you can’t please your girl even when she specifically asks for things then there will be consequences. Yeah i love him, but i’m missing things, which He can/could give to me. This could have been a good day, but i just can’t have one, can i?!

Now i’m drinking again… Thinking of getting that vodka out of my drawer..

I hope He didn’t take this personal and He’s not upset that much.. i fucking hate text messages, you can never know how the other feels… Oh and i always assume the worse. For now it’s horror all over again, the fear of losing Him is back, no panic yet but alcohol needed.

God i hope He’s gonna be okay. I can’t take one more day without Him. And i’m afraid i’m hanging by a thread here and one more fuckup from me and He’ll go away forever. Maybe i should leave my bf… it’s hard to say but i can’t lose Him. Even though we are never gonna be together, i can’t lose Him. I gave Him everything. And i want Him to have me. If not now then whenever He wants. Even if He leaves i’ll be His forever.

I know i can’t forget Him. I never could.

I am His. Completely. Forever.

God, please, make Him need me!