Im getting resstless. He’s not available. He’s not talking to me.
It seems if I dont get my dose of Him, things can go south pretty fast.
I dont want Him to know this.
I am obsessed and i’m not sure He’d be pleased to know of it.
Anyway, I even went online for a match, I was hoping to catch Him there, but I couldn’t. Maybe He’s not playing.. I honestly have no idea. It would be easy to check, but I don’t wanna make myself sad.. At least I did great, 4 pilot, 2 titan kills and only 1 death.
[3 hours later]
I don’t know what to say. I’m fucking furious. I know it’s fucking selfish but i can’t help it! My boyfriend picked a fight with me at midnight. He keeps doing this and it’s fucking boring! I hate it! He just keeps telling things over and over again makimg himself more and more angry and there we are 60 minutes later, having the same problems and solving nothing. Then he can’t sleep enough bc we stayed up late and then i have to get his shifts that he could sleep more and it makes me so angry! But the thing is… i had to leave Him bc of this fight and it made Him angry as well and now i’m not sure what will happen.. As i said before, everything is fragile and i really try to be good and try not to upset neither of them, but it’s fucking HARD!
I’m trying to swallow back my tears, if i lose Him because of jealousy i will leave my boyfriend. I don’t care if i’ll end up alone.
You see, i’ve tried to get my bf into this… he could have been my master, i wanted him to be, i asked him, i tried to ease him into it – oh but nooo, if you can’t please your girl even when she specifically asks for things then there will be consequences. Yeah i love him, but i’m missing things, which He can/could give to me. This could have been a good day, but i just can’t have one, can i?!
Now i’m drinking again… Thinking of getting that vodka out of my drawer..
I hope He didn’t take this personal and He’s not upset that much.. i fucking hate text messages, you can never know how the other feels… Oh and i always assume the worse. For now it’s horror all over again, the fear of losing Him is back, no panic yet but alcohol needed.
God i hope He’s gonna be okay. I can’t take one more day without Him. And i’m afraid i’m hanging by a thread here and one more fuckup from me and He’ll go away forever. Maybe i should leave my bf… it’s hard to say but i can’t lose Him. Even though we are never gonna be together, i can’t lose Him. I gave Him everything. And i want Him to have me. If not now then whenever He wants. Even if He leaves i’ll be His forever.
I know i can’t forget Him. I never could.
I am His. Completely. Forever.
God, please, make Him need me!