Day 27 – backing off

Alright. Lets try this one more time.

I am in control of my own life.

I don’t need anyone.

I am nobody’s property.

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Day 26 – panic, panic, panic

It’s been so long since… I don’t even know since what.. I feel less and less important day by day. We barely talk, He’s busy, i’m busy, i get it. I am just afraid that it’ll pass. For Him. I keep hearing more and more of His real girl. Things must be getting better with her, which – as a friend i should say – is good, but to be honest it makes me afraid. He keep saying “both of us” meaning His real girl and me, but..

Am i really there?

I know now is the time when i see everything darker than they’re for real but i can’t help it.  Issues with my company give a terrible baseline and on top of that comes everything. Every little thing adds something to that and now i’m at the point when literally a not well chosen word can make me cry for hours. I became inpatient, frustrated and i do know of it but still am unable to change.

Ah well, gotta go. Lawyer’s not gonna wait. Wish me luck.

Day 21 – feeling uneasy

Maybe it’s because this week was all about doctors and hospitals, i needed to get a paper saying i’m fit to compete and had to do a bunch of examinations. Plus i had to made stuff for my gym so i had little time to sleep. And with the competition right around the corner, i’m starting to feel nervous about that as well. Anyway, at least i got the papers and took this day off from work, so now i had a day – well an afternoon – to rest.

But this is just bullshit. My real problem is… well time flies fast and September… it’s gonna be here sooner than i expect and today i just realized i don’t want to cheat on my boyfriend. I mean yes, obviously i wasn’t gonna, but i had fantasies where He fucked me or i sucked His cock and so on.. I don’t know.. my line dividing what’s cheating and what’s not is kinda blurry. A kiss is not cheating. His cock in me would be cheating. He choking me, tying me up or hurting me in any physical way wouldn’t be cheating. I have my rules of these, but these are only physical things. Emotional cheating? Oh well, if you fall in love with somebody.. that, i would have considered cheating before. Now it’s different, because i love my boyfriend, but as much as i love him, he will never be able to give me what i need. In sex? Yes. We work pretty good together there, but almost every other aspect of our relationship needs improvement. And i know i’m not a good person, seriously what the fuck is this blog here, i\m at least i’m pretty self-conscious, i know myself pretty well and i’m trying to improve wherever i want. Important word here: Wherever i WANT. I could do more, but i’m happy with some of my issues and i’m deliberately won’t ‘fix’ them. But my boyfriend? Initially i could see him trying, but nowadays? Not really. I know it’s a complex issue and i needed to be more patient but how much of my happiness can i sacrifice while waiting on him? He’s not even trying!

I don’t wanna leave him. You can say everything about true love, but i’m sorry, real life is not a fucking fairy tale. If you want a long-time, working relationship, you have to settle for certain things. It’s not a fucking joyride, it takes patience, understanding, ability to compromise, empathy and a lot more to survive. And even when everything is there and things are working perfectly, even then, out of nowhere, can come a fucker who ruins everything.

Well i jumped from one relationship to the other all my life and i moved on when i got bored. Yes, it’s disgusting, but don’t be a hypocrite, you’ve done the same at least once. But when you reach that point in your life when you realize nothing will ever significantly change for you, you will try to settle down and try to stay in your relationship. I’m at that point now. I want to keep this. I want to have his child. Life is easy with him. We have our ups and downs, and now… we’re currently sitting in super-big hole and when i try to climb, he pulls me back. It’s not that bad as my previous partners were though and unlike those relationships, this one i want to fix.

But you see… How can i put effort in it, when He is here for me? When i finally starting to accept that He loves me back? When i’m not panicking anymore? And we’re gonna meet in 15 weeks… And what i need from Him…

That is considered cheating even by my fucked up standards.

Day 14 – no phone

So His phone is taken to get fixed. I think He’ll get it back today afternoon, which means no texting again. I thought i won’t see Him online this morning at all, then the nicest thing happened. He managed to send me a good morning text on messenger. I woke up smiling and everything. Now He’s gone again, He said maybe He’ll have a few mins on xbox later on, but we’ll see. I am okay somehow, it’s weird. I miss Him, yes, but it’s like.. i have this strong feeling of security and safety.. Like i know for sure that i am wanted? I’m sure it won’t last long though.. i know myself, my mind likes to twist things, make me believe the worst things – so i’m enjoying this while it lasts.

Day 12 – night

As the vodka pours down on my throat, the cramping in my stomach eases. He’s back. I can stay. Somehow i still feel shit. He only wrote a few lines in the whole evening, so i have no idea what’s going on really. I’m not tired. I couldn’t sleep even if i was tired. Maybe tomorrow He’ll be back for real… I’m not expecting Him to text me good morning though.. Maybe things will never be the same.. Maybe they will…

One thing is for sure. No more orgasms for me until He lets me and since we’re not really talking, especially not of this kind of things, it’s gonna be a while.

I texted Him “I love You”,
He texted me “Night”

My heart is breaking… Should i let Him go? But what does a slave worth without her Master? Who am i without Him? I know it’s a big responsibility, but isn’t it to late for Him to back off? When He already got everything from me… He said it’s hard for Him to be my everything and nothing all at once – Yes. It’s fucking hard. Hard for me as well, i am the one who will never get Him completely. I do understand He won’t leave His family and i wouldn’t even think of asking that from Him. I’m okay with things as they are/were..

Or maybe it’ll pass… Fuck, i’m crying so hard. Can this pass? Can this stop somehow?

No, no, no, no, shut up you stupid coward cow!

I DON’T WANT IT TO STOP.

I can take the pain. For Him i can endure anything.

[and just when i published this He wrote He loves me.. it’s like He knows… how can He always know what i need? It is scary…]

Day 11 – no texting

He dropped His phone in the toilet. Now it’s turned off, because it’s not working properly. He will leave it turned of for the whole day – which means no texting. We talked on xbox though and He asked me not to be upset, this doesn’t mean He stops thinking of me and shit, but i can’t keep it together. It’s been only an hour since we talked and i said i’m gonna be okay, but i’m already having my fucked up thoughts and panics.. Why is it this hard?! Why can’t i live without Him – it’s not that He disappeared, He’s just unable to text, but still. I can’t stop thinking of Him, i can’t go on with my day if i don’t get my regular dose of Him and i just feel awful. It’s like a fucking physical dependence… God, i need help – this is not normal. I want Him so bad, it hurts. Just to read His texts, to talk… I didn’t realise i was this addicted until now… I mean we never had to stop texting for more than an hour really and today? Between 9-14 i had no idea what the fuck was going on, He just disappeared.

Ah.. I have to go to work, but i don’t want to log off of xbox, maybe he invites me back and wants to talk a few more minutes… How will i survive this day? Maybe woth alcohol it would be easier but i really HAVE to stop drinking.. Competition in 2 weeks, i really don’t have the luxury to fuck up my training sessions and shit. So i’ll start with today. No alcohol today.

Fuck my life…

I don’t know what/who am i without Him anymore.

He defines my life. He is the center of my universe. I live to please Him…
He came to my life and changed everything. It’s not simply love, it’s way more than that. I gave myself to Him, He controls me. I breathe for Him. He is everything.

I am His.

My body burns for Him.
My heart beats for Him.
My soul longs for His possession.

Day 7 – plane tickets

God i can’t believe it! I’ve bought the tickets. 4 months from now… So much can happen until then. Lets just hope everything stay as it is now.

I just wish to see Him. To hear His voice while i’m looking at Him. To be close to Him, maybe to touch Him, if He lets me. To feel the warmth of His skin. To look into His eyes…

Aaaaagghhh… 4 months…

I’m full of hope, but i’m also terrified to death. And He’s not here, He’s not talking to me.

Today i won’t get anything from Him. All this waiting is killing me.

 Be strong for Him – my inner voice tells me. If you’ll be good, He will reward you. Stay good, be happy, smile! Breathe. You know the drill:

Count to four. Inhale. Count to four. Exhale.