Day 12 – night

As the vodka pours down on my throat, the cramping in my stomach eases. He’s back. I can stay. Somehow i still feel shit. He only wrote a few lines in the whole evening, so i have no idea what’s going on really. I’m not tired. I couldn’t sleep even if i was tired. Maybe tomorrow He’ll be back for real… I’m not expecting Him to text me good morning though.. Maybe things will never be the same.. Maybe they will…

One thing is for sure. No more orgasms for me until He lets me and since we’re not really talking, especially not of this kind of things, it’s gonna be a while.

I texted Him “I love You”,
He texted me “Night”

My heart is breaking… Should i let Him go? But what does a slave worth without her Master? Who am i without Him? I know it’s a big responsibility, but isn’t it to late for Him to back off? When He already got everything from me… He said it’s hard for Him to be my everything and nothing all at once – Yes. It’s fucking hard. Hard for me as well, i am the one who will never get Him completely. I do understand He won’t leave His family and i wouldn’t even think of asking that from Him. I’m okay with things as they are/were..

Or maybe it’ll pass… Fuck, i’m crying so hard. Can this pass? Can this stop somehow?

No, no, no, no, shut up you stupid coward cow!

I DON’T WANT IT TO STOP.

I can take the pain. For Him i can endure anything.

[and just when i published this He wrote He loves me.. it’s like He knows… how can He always know what i need? It is scary…]

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Day 7 – plane tickets

God i can’t believe it! I’ve bought the tickets. 4 months from now… So much can happen until then. Lets just hope everything stay as it is now.

I just wish to see Him. To hear His voice while i’m looking at Him. To be close to Him, maybe to touch Him, if He lets me. To feel the warmth of His skin. To look into His eyes…

Aaaaagghhh… 4 months…

I’m full of hope, but i’m also terrified to death. And He’s not here, He’s not talking to me.

Today i won’t get anything from Him. All this waiting is killing me.

 Be strong for Him – my inner voice tells me. If you’ll be good, He will reward you. Stay good, be happy, smile! Breathe. You know the drill:

Count to four. Inhale. Count to four. Exhale.

Day 6 – afternoon

I must have been a really good girl… He was so pleased with me. And He gave me what i wanted. It was so perfect, how He teased me while i was on my way home, He made me so horny i was shaking. Then i had to take a shower and He only wanted to see a picture of my ass. Then we talked.

He talked…

His voice.. The sweetest thing on earth. Strong, demanding and soft and caring all in the same time. Even when He’s only talking about training or grocery shopping or anything.. it gets me every time. I’m clinging on His words. It makes me forget everything else. While He talks, nothing else exists. He fills up my mind, shutting out everything, making room for nothing else.

He called me His good girl… Then He asked me if i was His whore.. i said yes…
‘Yes, what?’ – he asked.
‘Yes, Sir. Sorry, Sir.’ – i answered.
‘Better’ – He said…

He told me a story. A very detailed one. He listened to me moaning and panting asking questions if i was doing as i was told. I did everything exactly as He asked – sorry, wanted it. He told me when to breathe in, told me for how long to hold it and – not like before – this time it was freakin hard to hold it! When i started to moan in discomfort, He told me to hold it. Then He told me to hold even longer. Then He let me breathe out and i was panting, moaning and screaming in pleasure. I think He enjoyed that.

He could hear on my voice when i was close… He said He wants to come when i do and that… well it was just perfect. He did come in the exact moment i did and it made it fucking perfect. For me it was so full of emotions it made me cry. Then He said he would hug me, hold me tight, He said He would be there for me, to calm me and i could hear in His voice He really really ment what He said. He said He loves me. My heartrate slowed.. i could breathe normally once again, then He said something which made my heart beat faster once again.

You have to know we’re planning to meet in Sept. His country. I really don’t know what to expect. Until now i was thinking we would talk, He said mayne hold hands a lot.. but you see, now He starts to talk about a friend there. With a room. He talks about how He would take me there.

I’m not gonna just hold your fucking hand…
[Pause]
I’m not gonna fuck you, but I’m gonna punish you. You will get what you want

God.. What if He’s serious? What if He means it? I don’t even know which one would make me happier.. if He means it, or not.

But i do know, don’t i?! I want Him to punish me. I want Him to choke me until i pass out, i want Him to hold me tight, i want Him to explore my body, i want Him to make me suck His cock and i want Him to come in my mouth and kiss me after…

Day 3 – laundry

I still cant watch his posts nor add him back on xbox..
In time though. I’m sure everything’s gonna be fine. Maybe even better than they were before.. i feel like somehow our bond is only gonna get stronger. Weird thing is i’ve started the blog to help me forget, but now it seems i won’t be needed to do that. Maybe we can work this out somehow. Maybe we can stay together like this… i dunno.

[30 mins later]

I came to do the laundry, now i’m waiting for it to finish. I’m at a nearby bistro, sitting outside, headphones on, listening to music and drinking a beer. My boyfriend went to visit his child and He is out with His family. I feel calm and safe. I haven’t had a panic attack today and i’m grateful for it. It’s been a long time since i was calm.. i know it probably isn’t gonna last, but im enjoying while it can.

I’m happy nobody is around. I dont have to be seem happy and don’t have to play that everything is fine. Things are rough, well you know about Him.. but i’ve got plenty of other stuff going on. Mostly work related – but for now i can let it go for a few hours.

Weird how people change.. i’ve never been like this before.. if there would be a picture next to ‘extroverted’ in the dictinary, it would have been mine. But things can change so quickly.. and now im trying to get familiar with my new self. It’s strange and unusual for me to get tired of people.. to enjoy being alone olny with my thoughts keeping me in company. But i love it. Even when its shit i love it.

Day 1

Technically it hasn’t been a day yet, but it’s past midnight so I’m gonna call this day 1.

Sad news is.. He won’t let me go that easy. We are talking right now and He is so sweet again… I can feel a panic attack coming, those cramps in my stomach… We used to play in this time. I removed Him from my friendlist, I couldn’t bare to see Him online. God I miss Him so bad.. He said he loves me. I … I just feel happy, now He gave me back hope..

I’ll try to be a good girl for Him, even though He wants me to stop. But you know, I can feel He’s addicted to me as well – right now I can feel it crystal clear.

{15 mins later}

I could fucking kill Him. Or I want Him to kill me… When I had sex with my boyfriend.. I tried to push Him back, close Him out, but He was there, I couldn’t focus on my boyfriend! How fucked up that is? His face keeps coming to my mind, I imagine Him being there, fucking me and it makes me horny! Yeah, I know it’s not good and I should do something, but that’s what I’m doing here, isn’t it? Trying to get everything back on track. To forget Him somehow…

[15 mins later]

I really should go to sleep, but my vodka is calling for me from my drawer. My secret stash, God, I can’t believe I went this low.. The other day I was drunk, like proper drunk before noon. There are at least 15 bottles around my coffee table and I’m drinking right now. It’s only a cider though. But imagine this. You wake up, 40-90 mins before your alarm and then your stomach starts to hurt like crazy from stress, from anxiety and from all the shit that’s going on what would you do? I can’t breathe! I’m hyperventilating and shits like this. I just… need to do something that calms me down. And alcohol does that.. for now.

I used to cut myself but I’m not doing that anymore. Never ever again. And I know drinking can’t stay either, but for now.. it helps just enough to keep me sane.

Alright, lets try sleeping. Night.

[20 mins later]

Ps.: Maybe you’re wondering how my boyfriend doesn’t notice things are seriously wrong with me.. well in his defense, he knows. He just can’t help me. I feel sorry for him, it was never my intention to hurt him. I love him, we gave so many good things to eachother… But infertility is a bitch and it takes a toll on a relationship.. may be that’s why I need/needed somebody else who makes me feel important. Fuck knows, I’m talking shit, gotta go to sleep….

God I need Him

I wanna dream about Him…