Oh but i want to be. I want to be His slut, His babygirl, His obsession. I need my Master, i miss Him. I want Him to whisper filth to me. I want Him to write more. I need Him to think of me as His posession.
I said no to Him today and He let me. I ment it and He knew it. He is so perfect in every way, with all of His flaws, with all of His imperfections.
Ah.. i just realized… This is why i feel so down lately. He was there for me as a friend, which is good and i need Him that way as well. BUT i also need Him to punish me when i’m bad. To dominate me, to fill my head with His sweet voice, to – for a few minutes – make me forget everything else. I need Him to become one with me.
I love Him. I will never let Him go.
He is my life.
Ups and downs… Always ups and downs. Sometimes i feel like i want to stop moving breathing and living alltogether.
I want Him to be many thigs, but He’s none of them.
Maybe i want too much. Probably it’s all my fault. I shouldn’t have fallen in love in the first place. But i CANT FUCKING HELP IT. It just wont go away and He will keep breaking my heart. Into million tiny pieces which will never fit together again. It hurts. Sometimes its good but now? What i feel now is pure pain. Like someone is stabbing me in the chest… Will it ever be more bearable? Or do i need to really stop? Should i try again to forget everything? Would it be better if id disappeared?
So many questions and i dont have the answers. I want Him but i can’t have Him.
Fuck this shit.
Anger, frustration, doubt, lonliness, desperation, obsession…
I miss Him so much… I keep thinking back when we started talking.. How He wouldn’t stop texting, how i could feel His obsession with me as well. Now those are gone and they’ll never be back. Things change. Either i can except them or i should leave.
It’s been so long since… I don’t even know since what.. I feel less and less important day by day. We barely talk, He’s busy, i’m busy, i get it. I am just afraid that it’ll pass. For Him. I keep hearing more and more of His real girl. Things must be getting better with her, which – as a friend i should say – is good, but to be honest it makes me afraid. He keep saying “both of us” meaning His real girl and me, but..
Am i really there?
I know now is the time when i see everything darker than they’re for real but i can’t help it. Issues with my company give a terrible baseline and on top of that comes everything. Every little thing adds something to that and now i’m at the point when literally a not well chosen word can make me cry for hours. I became inpatient, frustrated and i do know of it but still am unable to change.
Ah well, gotta go. Lawyer’s not gonna wait. Wish me luck.
I feel like i should diappear. Just delete everything and never look back. I’m such a drama queen, jesus.. But i loved those times when He was worried about me when i wasn’t texting Him… I don’t think He would miss me if i just stopped. I think He would be only angry. Fuck i don’t know. I really hate texts. You just can’t get how the other would say those things. Without His voice… ah fuck me.. i haven’t heard His voice in days! He just fucking doesn’t give a shit! Aaaaand now i’m crying. God i want to drink…
That moment when He’s seen my text…
It’s been 12 hours since we talked properly.
When i asked for permission to touch He said “think of me”. Well fuck Him, i won’t!
There won’t be any good night text from Him, i just know it. I’ve unsent my messages, they were there for a couple of hours, unseen. Aaaaahhh FUCK! I hate this fucking obsession of mine! I hate Him! I hate Him! I FUCKING HATE HIM!
I need a drink…
I won’t think of Him! Never ever again!
And if He reads this? Then i’m gonna fucking murder Him, fucking asshole, stupid shit! How dare He not think of me???
So this is how long i can remain calm without Him.