Day 24 – night

I hate this. How come after every good day there is a really shit one coming? Ive tried everything. I really did. Tried to keep off my mind from things that i knew would upset me, tried to get drunk, tried not to think of Him, but nothing worked. I still feel terrible and now i cant hold myself back. Im letting it out. Im sitting in the dark writing this shit and crying my eyes out. I still feel alone and lonely and i just want to stop. 

Things with work look really shit and i have to worry about money as well and i just cant take it anymore. 

I dont know what to do! Im scared and frustrated and i dont have anybody to talk to…

I hate this

I hate everything



It’s dark in here. I’m alone. Deep down, in a hole, far away from friendy eyes.. there is nothing friendly here. Only bones, guts and blood. I feel sick. I don’t want to be here, I cry for help but only the echo of my own voice responses. I try to climb but I keep falling back. Just let me die then – I scream into the darkness. No answer. Even the echo left me. I am alone. Fear takes control of me. I start to shake, I try to stop it but it’s no use. 

Back in the day this would have been a perfect time to hurt myself. I still have my last blade hidden somewhere. As a reminder, that I could do it but I chose not to. I made my decision. Never again. Now I have my vodka to ease the pain.

I don’t like being lonely.

I ask Him to say He loves me but it’s too late, He’s already gone to sleep. I’ll find His nicest texts instead… that’ll help me to calm down.

Good night