Day 28 – how to cope

The worst part is probably that i don’t really know what’s going on now. I can’t do “lets be friends only” with Him. Not after what He has done to me. Not after everything we went through. I thought i buried everything 2 years after my first and only D/s relationship. Yeah, i’ve been trying to find a new guy after that and went on with a few, but all was terrible. People usually don’t get this whole thing right. So i gave up. I pushed my needs back and eventually i managed to forget about them. Years passed and i was completely fine.

Then He came, out of nowhere. I mean i don’t even know how this whole thing happened, we were only playing together, then i was already deep in cyber fucking, orgasm control and whatnot. And He was so good in it… He got full control of me just like that. And i gave Him everything gladly. Because… Why not?! I enjoyed it, He woke everything up in me, every need, every suppressed feeling.. they came to the surface and i couldn’t ignore them anymore.

I had a choice back at some point. Either i accept myself as a sub for life or i push back everything again knowing they will eventually come back again sometime. I chose the first option. This is still fucking hard for me. My boyfriend never will be my master, he just never could. He’s not like that. So knowing this i still chose the first option. Because i thought [John] will be there for me forever. When i said i will be His always and forever those weren’t just empty words, those weren’t just a part of a game. I meant those words. And honestly? I thought He knew it. I mean He just can’t be that cruel to accept full submission from me and think it’s only a game. I know Him that much, He is not cruel like that….

Anyway yesterday i was texting Him i will touch myself, because this is the only thing He can control from a distance. Well, only thing He was interested in to control – i think i would be a super great dom.. i have soooo many ideas, oh God… But back to the subject, so i’ve told Him i’ll do it. He said “Yeah, okay” and i replied “i wasn’t asking”. My heart was pounding so fast because i knew whatever His next line will be it’ll decide everything.

“I know” He replied. Which in my reading means He’s given up on me as His sub. It felt exactly the same as my first Dom said “This is too easy for me” before he left and never came back. The difference is He’s still here. And He wants to keep me around as a friend i guess. Oh yeah, and i have my plane tickets. Fuck.. i just don’t know how to cope! I love Him as a friend, yes. And i don’t want to lose Him obviously but it’s just too fucking hard after all of this.

I have this choker necklace. While i’m wearing it He knows He owns me whether He wants it or not. I was thinking getting it off, making it easy for both of us, but i can’t. I can write anything here, i can lie to you, to Him and to myself saying i will forget Him or i don’t need Him anymore but it’s all bullshit while i keep that lace around my neck.

And i will keep it.

Always and forever.

I didn’t touch myself.

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Day 27 – i am nobody’s whore

Oh but i want to be. I want to be His slut, His babygirl, His obsession. I need my Master, i miss Him. I want Him to whisper filth to me. I want Him to write more. I need Him to think of me as His posession. 

I said no to Him today and He let me. I ment it and He knew it. He is so perfect in every way, with all of His flaws, with all of His imperfections. 

Ah.. i just realized… This is why i feel so down lately. He was there for me as a friend, which is good and i need Him that way as well. BUT i also need Him to punish me when i’m bad. To dominate me, to fill my head with His sweet voice, to – for a few minutes – make me forget everything else. I need Him to become one with me.

I love Him. I will never let Him go.

He is my life.

Day 27 – running in circles

Ups and downs… Always ups and downs. Sometimes i feel like i want to stop moving breathing and living alltogether. 

I want Him to be many thigs, but He’s none of them. 

Maybe i want too much. Probably it’s all my fault. I shouldn’t have fallen in love in the first place. But i CANT FUCKING HELP IT. It just wont go away and He will keep breaking my heart. Into million tiny pieces which will never fit together again. It hurts. Sometimes its good but now? What i feel now is pure pain. Like someone is stabbing me in the chest… Will it ever be more bearable? Or do i need to really stop? Should i try again to forget everything? Would it be better if id disappeared? 

So many questions and i dont have the answers. I want Him but i can’t have Him. 

Fuck this shit. 

Anger, frustration, doubt, lonliness, desperation, obsession…

I miss Him so much… I keep thinking back when we started talking.. How He wouldn’t stop texting, how i could feel His obsession with me as well. Now those are gone and they’ll never be back. Things change. Either i can except them or i should leave.

Day 26 – panic, panic, panic

It’s been so long since… I don’t even know since what.. I feel less and less important day by day. We barely talk, He’s busy, i’m busy, i get it. I am just afraid that it’ll pass. For Him. I keep hearing more and more of His real girl. Things must be getting better with her, which – as a friend i should say – is good, but to be honest it makes me afraid. He keep saying “both of us” meaning His real girl and me, but..

Am i really there?

I know now is the time when i see everything darker than they’re for real but i can’t help it.  Issues with my company give a terrible baseline and on top of that comes everything. Every little thing adds something to that and now i’m at the point when literally a not well chosen word can make me cry for hours. I became inpatient, frustrated and i do know of it but still am unable to change.

Ah well, gotta go. Lawyer’s not gonna wait. Wish me luck.

Caring words IV

[I was going through His texts, the best bits, the saved ones which always make me wet.. It wasn’t different this time, either. He was out but i still asked for permission and waited 15 minutes before i finally decided to touch myself without Him allowing it to me]

me: Aaaaah get back, i need permission

[25 mins later]

He: I’m back
       ❤
       My God woman, you feeling extra horny today
me: Oh… you’re here…
        Uhm…
        I… uhmm…
He: Go on then
me: I… have… already done it
He: What? Before I came home!?
me: God, please don’t be angry
He: Oh dear
me: I’m sorry, i just couldn’t wait any longer
He: it’s still going in my little book
me: No, baby, please no [sad face]
He: It’s okay… You will pay for every one in September
me: What book, anyway? No, please, this is not my fault
He: It is
me: You weren’t here
He: You’re a little whore [Chloe] and you will pay
        In so many ways
me: September is 3.5 months away
        You’ll forgive me by then, i’m sure 🙂
He: I’ll forgive you when you are begging me to stop whipping you
me: But but but
        You CAN’T leave a mark!!!
He: I won’t
me: How’s that possible?
       It’s not… is it?
       You’re just saying it to make me scared
He: It is possible. Not with a whip… but I can do things that won’t mark you, that will eave you feeling like you WISH I had whipped you

[I feel that warmth between my legs again… It’s like an unsatisfiable hunger, i need to do it again… My hand is moving down, i’m still naked… My finger is almost there, then i stop myself. I need His permission. Fuck… My heart is racing and i feel the blood throbbing in my clit]

me: {John}, Honey, please… stop it
        God, i’m so horny
He: See… you should have waited
       Because now you AREN’T allowed
me: Please, i beg you!
He: No way, you broke my rules
me: But You weren’t here!
He: So? You knew that I would be back
       You also knew you were disobeying me
me: Please! I need to do it
He: Tough you whore NO…. you can wait
me: Please! I’ll do anything… What do You want me to do?
He: I want you to do as you are told.
me: As You wish
He: Good girl

[I was gonna stop.. I was ready to let it go, I was ready to do as i was told, then He wrote those two words…. My heart skipped a beat and the world went blurry for a second. I felt the wetness spreading down there and i had to force myself to not touch it]

me: Fuck
        Too bad, i’m not there

[because I would kneel before You, Master. I would kneel, and get Your cock out, put it into my mouth and suck it until it gets hard in my mouth and then for even more, until You grab my head and start to force it all the way down on my throat… until i start to choke on it, looking up to You, tears in my eyes, make up ruined and You, Sir.. You just standing there with Your half-smile on Your face, holding my head until You come in my mouth…]

He: Oh, you are lucky… if you were mine, you would be regretting this now
me: What would You do?
He: I would string you up by your wrists from a pulley in the ceiling.
       And beat you with the whip handle.
       Before sticking it in your pussy where you would have to hold it in… if you let if fall out I would beat you again
       Until you got it
me: Can i touch myself now?
He: It’s been 5 mins
       Get fucked
       No
me: But You’re making me horny!
He: Good
       Then I would get my blowtorch and my small brand in the shape of my initial… Only 3mm big and I would heat it up until it was red
me: God, no
He: And give you a permanent reminder
me: Stop it
He: To DO AS YOU ARE TOLD
me: No, please, STOP IT
        I can’t breathe

[By this pint i can barely keep myself from touching my clit. My body is in flames, i’m panting, my heart is racing i\m so aroused i feel dizzy]

He: Good… I wonder how many little letters you would earn over the years
me: STOP IT
He: Enough to make a pretty pattern
me: [John]… I’ll be a good girl, joust please stop this
        I want You
He: I know
me: I’m really wet
He: Of course
me: Why are You doing this to me?
        God, please
       At least let me touch!
He: Because you didn’t obey me
       No
      5 mins… and I will think about it

[5 mins later]

He: Go on then
me: Thank You
He: But not inside
       Only your clit
me: Fuck
       As You wish
      …Sir
He: Good girl.. Imagine it’s my tongue

[I didn’t last long… I was so aroused to start with… As i closed my eyes He appeared… Touching me, hurting me, fucking me, loving me, holding me. I screamed while i came…]

Day 21 – feeling uneasy

Maybe it’s because this week was all about doctors and hospitals, i needed to get a paper saying i’m fit to compete and had to do a bunch of examinations. Plus i had to made stuff for my gym so i had little time to sleep. And with the competition right around the corner, i’m starting to feel nervous about that as well. Anyway, at least i got the papers and took this day off from work, so now i had a day – well an afternoon – to rest.

But this is just bullshit. My real problem is… well time flies fast and September… it’s gonna be here sooner than i expect and today i just realized i don’t want to cheat on my boyfriend. I mean yes, obviously i wasn’t gonna, but i had fantasies where He fucked me or i sucked His cock and so on.. I don’t know.. my line dividing what’s cheating and what’s not is kinda blurry. A kiss is not cheating. His cock in me would be cheating. He choking me, tying me up or hurting me in any physical way wouldn’t be cheating. I have my rules of these, but these are only physical things. Emotional cheating? Oh well, if you fall in love with somebody.. that, i would have considered cheating before. Now it’s different, because i love my boyfriend, but as much as i love him, he will never be able to give me what i need. In sex? Yes. We work pretty good together there, but almost every other aspect of our relationship needs improvement. And i know i’m not a good person, seriously what the fuck is this blog here, i\m at least i’m pretty self-conscious, i know myself pretty well and i’m trying to improve wherever i want. Important word here: Wherever i WANT. I could do more, but i’m happy with some of my issues and i’m deliberately won’t ‘fix’ them. But my boyfriend? Initially i could see him trying, but nowadays? Not really. I know it’s a complex issue and i needed to be more patient but how much of my happiness can i sacrifice while waiting on him? He’s not even trying!

I don’t wanna leave him. You can say everything about true love, but i’m sorry, real life is not a fucking fairy tale. If you want a long-time, working relationship, you have to settle for certain things. It’s not a fucking joyride, it takes patience, understanding, ability to compromise, empathy and a lot more to survive. And even when everything is there and things are working perfectly, even then, out of nowhere, can come a fucker who ruins everything.

Well i jumped from one relationship to the other all my life and i moved on when i got bored. Yes, it’s disgusting, but don’t be a hypocrite, you’ve done the same at least once. But when you reach that point in your life when you realize nothing will ever significantly change for you, you will try to settle down and try to stay in your relationship. I’m at that point now. I want to keep this. I want to have his child. Life is easy with him. We have our ups and downs, and now… we’re currently sitting in super-big hole and when i try to climb, he pulls me back. It’s not that bad as my previous partners were though and unlike those relationships, this one i want to fix.

But you see… How can i put effort in it, when He is here for me? When i finally starting to accept that He loves me back? When i’m not panicking anymore? And we’re gonna meet in 15 weeks… And what i need from Him…

That is considered cheating even by my fucked up standards.

Day 20 – morning

Yesterday was perfect. Well not perfect perfect, but close enough. No panic, no worries, for the first time in many many days i really was fine. Of course we were fighting with my boyfriend – us fighting’s getting to be the basline of our relationship nowadays… But it’s not like i’m sitting there in quiet not letting him know it’ll poison our realtionship… I tell him how i feel, i fuckimg won’t let anyone there guessing. I’m not that girl. If i have something on my mind i fucking tell it. Straight, honest, no hints… Anyway, besides our usual fight with boyfriend (which at least was based on real problems instead of fictive ones, at least) everything was okay. Small progress with work, taking care of doctor stuff for the competition and… Well, Him. I was alright without Him all day, i was really busy. Then at night… God, He was so sweet. He is perfect in so many ways. He made a video for me and hearing His voice finally.. well it almost made me cry… happy tears though. That was the last thing of my day and i fell asleep smiling, which i don’t even know when happened last time. He read the blog again though (His excuse He was bored… i really should move this to somewhere else) maybe that’s what made Him realize how important He really is to me.. Ahh i don’t know, He probably knows this without my blog anyway… So, yes. Yesterday was perfect. Perfect with all its flaws, just as i like.