Day 27 – rules don’t apply

I don’t need permission anymore to touch myself.

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Day 27 – running in circles

Ups and downs… Always ups and downs. Sometimes i feel like i want to stop moving breathing and living alltogether. 

I want Him to be many thigs, but He’s none of them. 

Maybe i want too much. Probably it’s all my fault. I shouldn’t have fallen in love in the first place. But i CANT FUCKING HELP IT. It just wont go away and He will keep breaking my heart. Into million tiny pieces which will never fit together again. It hurts. Sometimes its good but now? What i feel now is pure pain. Like someone is stabbing me in the chest… Will it ever be more bearable? Or do i need to really stop? Should i try again to forget everything? Would it be better if id disappeared? 

So many questions and i dont have the answers. I want Him but i can’t have Him. 

Fuck this shit. 

Anger, frustration, doubt, lonliness, desperation, obsession…

I miss Him so much… I keep thinking back when we started talking.. How He wouldn’t stop texting, how i could feel His obsession with me as well. Now those are gone and they’ll never be back. Things change. Either i can except them or i should leave.

Day 26 – panic, panic, panic

It’s been so long since… I don’t even know since what.. I feel less and less important day by day. We barely talk, He’s busy, i’m busy, i get it. I am just afraid that it’ll pass. For Him. I keep hearing more and more of His real girl. Things must be getting better with her, which – as a friend i should say – is good, but to be honest it makes me afraid. He keep saying “both of us” meaning His real girl and me, but..

Am i really there?

I know now is the time when i see everything darker than they’re for real but i can’t help it.  Issues with my company give a terrible baseline and on top of that comes everything. Every little thing adds something to that and now i’m at the point when literally a not well chosen word can make me cry for hours. I became inpatient, frustrated and i do know of it but still am unable to change.

Ah well, gotta go. Lawyer’s not gonna wait. Wish me luck.

Day 24 – morning

Ah yesterday i had a lovely day! I did great on the competition and everyone around me was super awesome and supportive. Even Him! He was there for me, checking up on my progress, being happy for me and for my records and everything.

I felt like maybe i’m okay. Its been days since i had a panic attack and i was thinking maybe keeping this blog running is unnecesarry. Like we found the balance and i wont get upset ever again. How nice it would be though…

Well, as always, this really was not the case. I woke up feeling shit today. Its been an hour since, and i cant get rid of the feeling… im holding back everything trying to burst into tears. I feel lonely. Alone. I have so many people around me but now i feel none of them are real.

Ah its bullshit. Fuck it. I wont let myself sink into this. Up is the way to go. 

Fuck sadness!
Fuck loneliness!
Fuck everything!

Day 21 – feeling uneasy

Maybe it’s because this week was all about doctors and hospitals, i needed to get a paper saying i’m fit to compete and had to do a bunch of examinations. Plus i had to made stuff for my gym so i had little time to sleep. And with the competition right around the corner, i’m starting to feel nervous about that as well. Anyway, at least i got the papers and took this day off from work, so now i had a day – well an afternoon – to rest.

But this is just bullshit. My real problem is… well time flies fast and September… it’s gonna be here sooner than i expect and today i just realized i don’t want to cheat on my boyfriend. I mean yes, obviously i wasn’t gonna, but i had fantasies where He fucked me or i sucked His cock and so on.. I don’t know.. my line dividing what’s cheating and what’s not is kinda blurry. A kiss is not cheating. His cock in me would be cheating. He choking me, tying me up or hurting me in any physical way wouldn’t be cheating. I have my rules of these, but these are only physical things. Emotional cheating? Oh well, if you fall in love with somebody.. that, i would have considered cheating before. Now it’s different, because i love my boyfriend, but as much as i love him, he will never be able to give me what i need. In sex? Yes. We work pretty good together there, but almost every other aspect of our relationship needs improvement. And i know i’m not a good person, seriously what the fuck is this blog here, i\m at least i’m pretty self-conscious, i know myself pretty well and i’m trying to improve wherever i want. Important word here: Wherever i WANT. I could do more, but i’m happy with some of my issues and i’m deliberately won’t ‘fix’ them. But my boyfriend? Initially i could see him trying, but nowadays? Not really. I know it’s a complex issue and i needed to be more patient but how much of my happiness can i sacrifice while waiting on him? He’s not even trying!

I don’t wanna leave him. You can say everything about true love, but i’m sorry, real life is not a fucking fairy tale. If you want a long-time, working relationship, you have to settle for certain things. It’s not a fucking joyride, it takes patience, understanding, ability to compromise, empathy and a lot more to survive. And even when everything is there and things are working perfectly, even then, out of nowhere, can come a fucker who ruins everything.

Well i jumped from one relationship to the other all my life and i moved on when i got bored. Yes, it’s disgusting, but don’t be a hypocrite, you’ve done the same at least once. But when you reach that point in your life when you realize nothing will ever significantly change for you, you will try to settle down and try to stay in your relationship. I’m at that point now. I want to keep this. I want to have his child. Life is easy with him. We have our ups and downs, and now… we’re currently sitting in super-big hole and when i try to climb, he pulls me back. It’s not that bad as my previous partners were though and unlike those relationships, this one i want to fix.

But you see… How can i put effort in it, when He is here for me? When i finally starting to accept that He loves me back? When i’m not panicking anymore? And we’re gonna meet in 15 weeks… And what i need from Him…

That is considered cheating even by my fucked up standards.

Day 19 – morning

I feel like i should diappear. Just delete everything and never look back. I’m such a drama queen, jesus.. But i loved those times when He was worried about me when i wasn’t texting Him… I don’t think He would miss me if i just stopped. I think He would be only angry. Fuck i don’t know. I really hate texts. You just can’t get how the other would say those things. Without His voice… ah fuck me.. i haven’t heard His voice in days! He just fucking doesn’t give a shit! Aaaaand now i’m crying. God i want to drink…