Mostly we didn’t talk today, somehow I feel safe. It’s so rare that i have to treasure it while it lasts. Then when He got back and could text again, He was so sweet. I don’t care if everything has to stop if He remains my friend. My light in the dark. My beacon of hope. My best friend.
I know it’s way more than that from my part… but it’s gonna stay like this. He likes me, i know that much and that is more than enough. As long as He lets me hear His voice, as long as He listens to my problems and struggles, i am genuinely happy. In exchange i can give Him my devotion, my love and my life.
This day.. It was challenging for me. Anniversary of my ED so i went through of my old photos, listened to a song which was my fave back then, i’ve even posted about it on facebook.. The other thing is.. excuse me if it’s too much information, but today i’ve got my period – 18th time since we started trying for a baby. It gets to me every time. I just can’t get used to the disappointment. I’m probably not ready anyway, but it’s like i’ve been hit in the stomach. Plus i won’t drink anymore, which is also challenging considering i drank every day in the past month. But the competition is here (at Sat) and i really don’t want to waste more money on alcohol. I don’t need any addiction in my life besides Him.
So to sum it up, today has been my best day since i’ve started this blog. Best as in it was freaking hard, but i really do feel safe, appreciated and if not wanted exactly, but something very close to it.
He had a nice time with His woman which made me jealous because a few hours before He was all about leaving her… But they worked it out for now at least and i did great making myself forget the jealousy part. I have to force myself, but it’s working. I said i never could be jealous of her.. but it’s obviously not 100% true. She’s the one who gets to touch Him, who gets to listen to His heart. Who can see Him smile, who can make Him smile. She’s there, and i’ll never be able to. Anyway… i’m happy when He’s happy – and He seems to be doing just fine.
It’s dark in here. I’m alone. Deep down, in a hole, far away from friendy eyes.. there is nothing friendly here. Only bones, guts and blood. I feel sick. I don’t want to be here, I cry for help but only the echo of my own voice responses. I try to climb but I keep falling back. Just let me die then – I scream into the darkness. No answer. Even the echo left me. I am alone. Fear takes control of me. I start to shake, I try to stop it but it’s no use.
Back in the day this would have been a perfect time to hurt myself. I still have my last blade hidden somewhere. As a reminder, that I could do it but I chose not to. I made my decision. Never again. Now I have my vodka to ease the pain.
I don’t like being lonely.
I ask Him to say He loves me but it’s too late, He’s already gone to sleep. I’ll find His nicest texts instead… that’ll help me to calm down.
I just need His attention…
I will do something which is against the rules. I’ll touch myself without permission. I’ll use my fingers without permission. I’ll come without permission.
We’ll see where that leaves me.
As the vodka pours down on my throat, the cramping in my stomach eases. He’s back. I can stay. Somehow i still feel shit. He only wrote a few lines in the whole evening, so i have no idea what’s going on really. I’m not tired. I couldn’t sleep even if i was tired. Maybe tomorrow He’ll be back for real… I’m not expecting Him to text me good morning though.. Maybe things will never be the same.. Maybe they will…
One thing is for sure. No more orgasms for me until He lets me and since we’re not really talking, especially not of this kind of things, it’s gonna be a while.
I texted Him “I love You”,
He texted me “Night”
My heart is breaking… Should i let Him go? But what does a slave worth without her Master? Who am i without Him? I know it’s a big responsibility, but isn’t it to late for Him to back off? When He already got everything from me… He said it’s hard for Him to be my everything and nothing all at once – Yes. It’s fucking hard. Hard for me as well, i am the one who will never get Him completely. I do understand He won’t leave His family and i wouldn’t even think of asking that from Him. I’m okay with things as they are/were..
Or maybe it’ll pass… Fuck, i’m crying so hard. Can this pass? Can this stop somehow?
No, no, no, no, shut up you stupid coward cow!
I DON’T WANT IT TO STOP.
I can take the pain. For Him i can endure anything.
[and just when i published this He wrote He loves me.. it’s like He knows… how can He always know what i need? It is scary…]
He dropped His phone in the toilet. Now it’s turned off, because it’s not working properly. He will leave it turned of for the whole day – which means no texting. We talked on xbox though and He asked me not to be upset, this doesn’t mean He stops thinking of me and shit, but i can’t keep it together. It’s been only an hour since we talked and i said i’m gonna be okay, but i’m already having my fucked up thoughts and panics.. Why is it this hard?! Why can’t i live without Him – it’s not that He disappeared, He’s just unable to text, but still. I can’t stop thinking of Him, i can’t go on with my day if i don’t get my regular dose of Him and i just feel awful. It’s like a fucking physical dependence… God, i need help – this is not normal. I want Him so bad, it hurts. Just to read His texts, to talk… I didn’t realise i was this addicted until now… I mean we never had to stop texting for more than an hour really and today? Between 9-14 i had no idea what the fuck was going on, He just disappeared.
Ah.. I have to go to work, but i don’t want to log off of xbox, maybe he invites me back and wants to talk a few more minutes… How will i survive this day? Maybe woth alcohol it would be easier but i really HAVE to stop drinking.. Competition in 2 weeks, i really don’t have the luxury to fuck up my training sessions and shit. So i’ll start with today. No alcohol today.
Fuck my life…
I don’t know what/who am i without Him anymore.
He defines my life. He is the center of my universe. I live to please Him…
He came to my life and changed everything. It’s not simply love, it’s way more than that. I gave myself to Him, He controls me. I breathe for Him. He is everything.
I am His.
My body burns for Him.
My heart beats for Him.
My soul longs for His possession.
Aaghh i should just let this go. Seriously i dom’t even know what am i expecting, but i’m not getting it. I’ve told Him yesterday i’ll only get up early because of Him. To talk…
Well we didn’t.
Now i’m horny and angry and tired.
[50mins and 2 orgasms later]
At least He let me use everything while pleasing myself. He even wanted to see a video of me using one of my toys.
I hope i’ll be rewarded… now i have to go clean myself up.
Couldnt sleep very well.. second night in a row. I don’t know what’s going on.
I’m having a horrible time.
My chest hurts and i can’t breathe. And for my biggest surprise He’s got nothing to do with it. We’re not really talking today but it’s all fine. I feel pretty apathetic. Trying to find the proper music to ease my panic. I know drinking would help but it starts to scare me how often i actually drink. I don’t even know when was the last day i haven’t touched alcohol. But what the fuck should i do? I can’t stay like this. It’s horrible! Painful, exhausting.
My boyfriend hasn’t talked to me today. I don’t know what his problem is but i don’t really give a shit to be honest. I don’t have the patience to tolerate his shit today. I just wanna lay in bed. And maybe put an axe in my brain.. that way i would stop thinking of anything.
I don’t know what the fuck is going on and it scares me. I want to breathe. I want the pain gone. I want to be calm!