Caring words III

He: I have a pic of my current mood you will love

[sends picture, His belt in His hand, looking at me like i did something wrong. He wants to punish me. Somehow He turned all His aggression, frustration and anger into this sole thing – punishing me]

me: oh God
I want You to hurt me
He: i will
me: Thank You, Sir
He: My good girl. Its a good job im not there as i would take it out on you.  You wouldn’t be able to leave the apartment today
me: i wouldn’t mind
I mean it
He: I know… So do I
me: God… i’m so wet
He: Good
       I would roll up my belt  nice and tight and fuck you with it before beating your ass with it
       You wouldn’t be able to sit down for the rest of the day
me: Hhmmmhhmm
Fuck my life
He: In fact I would make you stand in the corner until i needed you again
       Naked
       Hands on head belt round you neck
       Waiting to be used
me: God
He: Show me your pussy, slave
       NOW

[I’m at the gym, working. My trainees are there. But i don’t care. I’m in the middle of a sentence and i leave it unfinished as i hurry to the bathroom, unbuttoning my shorts, pulling down everything and taking a picture for Him]

me: as You wish
He: Photo was blank
       Do it again

[Sending it again]

He: Pretty
       Where are you?
me: Gym
Can i go back?
He: Yes. Go on.
me: Thank you
He: But i want more later
me: Anything
He: Want to see you fuck yourself with that dildo
me: God
Please don’t

[I never used one. I don’t want Him to see.. I am embarrassed, what if i do it wrong somehow? I’m afraid of letting Him down. It’s too much! He is the only one who saw me pleasing myself, nobody else ever watched me. It’s too personal… God, i just want to please Him!]

He: YOU FUCKING WHAT!
me: i am sorry, Sir
He: I should think so
      Whore
me: i can’t breathe
He: Good 
       Fucking deny me again and you will regret it
me: i just…
Nevermind, i’m sorry
I won’t deny You
He: GOOD
       Unless you have a real reason don’t deny me what I want
me: I’m embarrassed, is that a good enough reason?
He: No not reason enough. You are my fucking slave i dont care if you are embarrassed
me: I’m burning up, my heart is racing and i can’t breathe
I want You
I want You so bad it hurts
He: I will fuck you later

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Day 7 – plane tickets

God i can’t believe it! I’ve bought the tickets. 4 months from now… So much can happen until then. Lets just hope everything stay as it is now.

I just wish to see Him. To hear His voice while i’m looking at Him. To be close to Him, maybe to touch Him, if He lets me. To feel the warmth of His skin. To look into His eyes…

Aaaaagghhh… 4 months…

I’m full of hope, but i’m also terrified to death. And He’s not here, He’s not talking to me.

Today i won’t get anything from Him. All this waiting is killing me.

 Be strong for Him – my inner voice tells me. If you’ll be good, He will reward you. Stay good, be happy, smile! Breathe. You know the drill:

Count to four. Inhale. Count to four. Exhale.

Day 7 – morning

I am so not ready for Him.
I texted Him good morning.

Nothing.

Minutes are passing by.. 5…10..then 15
I knew He was awake. Then i couldn’t resist, i checked it on messenger.

Active 5 minutes ago.

I hate this. I hate this in myself.
More waiting, i’m checking my phone in every two seconds. Then a ‘Hey’ appears. I text Him back, not telling Him how i feel.
Nothing again.

What the fuck is going on? I start to panic, cramps in my stomach etc…

I know i shouldn’t be worried but i can’t help it. I’m trying to focus on His voice, i can hear Him in my head saying He loves me.

It doesn’t help. I’m falling into the darkness. Entering into that spiral which pulls you down. I won’t let it, though. I am stronger than this.

His good girl. If i make Him upset, He won’t stay. I have to be happy for Him. I want His reward. I need Him.

I have to force walking proud. I have to pay attention to keep my chest out, my shoulders down and my chin up. If it doesn’t show, it’ll pass. Tears filling up my eyes, i concentrate on breathing.

Count to four. Inhale. Count to four. Exhale.

I have to let this go. At least for today.

I just needed a few nice words to wake up to. He said He will text me. I didn’t ask for it.

Breathing helped. No tears for Him.

I will smile – even if it’s killing me inside.

[40mins later]

He called me sweetie. My cramps and my panic disappears instantly. He knows i like it when He calls me sweetie.

I love Him. More and more with every breath i take… and hold… for Him. Forever.

Day 3 – laundry

I still cant watch his posts nor add him back on xbox..
In time though. I’m sure everything’s gonna be fine. Maybe even better than they were before.. i feel like somehow our bond is only gonna get stronger. Weird thing is i’ve started the blog to help me forget, but now it seems i won’t be needed to do that. Maybe we can work this out somehow. Maybe we can stay together like this… i dunno.

[30 mins later]

I came to do the laundry, now i’m waiting for it to finish. I’m at a nearby bistro, sitting outside, headphones on, listening to music and drinking a beer. My boyfriend went to visit his child and He is out with His family. I feel calm and safe. I haven’t had a panic attack today and i’m grateful for it. It’s been a long time since i was calm.. i know it probably isn’t gonna last, but im enjoying while it can.

I’m happy nobody is around. I dont have to be seem happy and don’t have to play that everything is fine. Things are rough, well you know about Him.. but i’ve got plenty of other stuff going on. Mostly work related – but for now i can let it go for a few hours.

Weird how people change.. i’ve never been like this before.. if there would be a picture next to ‘extroverted’ in the dictinary, it would have been mine. But things can change so quickly.. and now im trying to get familiar with my new self. It’s strange and unusual for me to get tired of people.. to enjoy being alone olny with my thoughts keeping me in company. But i love it. Even when its shit i love it.