I feel like i should diappear. Just delete everything and never look back. I’m such a drama queen, jesus.. But i loved those times when He was worried about me when i wasn’t texting Him… I don’t think He would miss me if i just stopped. I think He would be only angry. Fuck i don’t know. I really hate texts. You just can’t get how the other would say those things. Without His voice… ah fuck me.. i haven’t heard His voice in days! He just fucking doesn’t give a shit! Aaaaand now i’m crying. God i want to drink…
Aaghh i should just let this go. Seriously i dom’t even know what am i expecting, but i’m not getting it. I’ve told Him yesterday i’ll only get up early because of Him. To talk…
Well we didn’t.
Now i’m horny and angry and tired.
[50mins and 2 orgasms later]
At least He let me use everything while pleasing myself. He even wanted to see a video of me using one of my toys.
I hope i’ll be rewarded… now i have to go clean myself up.
A good day starts with a nice little panic attack, isn’t it?
Nightmares all night and i woke up countless times. I still feel guilty about yesterday night. I had sex with my boyfriend and it was perfect. He was so good, masculine, strong-willed and demanding that the only thing.. the only one i could think of while doing it, was Him. He said i must tell Him when we do something like this, but i won’t. Especially not now, when He’s pretty upset on His own already.
Anyway. As my boyfriend touched me… i really enjoyed it, but felt guilty, it was like cheating on Him? Which is the most fucked up thing ever. He’s never gonna be there for real. Never. And although i love Him and – honestly – would die for Him, i can’t let myself go that deep again. He doesn’t want it.
I don’t really know what He wants from me at all. Fun, yeah. He always says this. Lets keep things fun, nobody needs real emotions, huh? As it is so fucking easy, isn’t it? Well, yeah… It was all fun, until somebody got hurt. And that was me. But so far so good, i think with rules and with Him setting up the rules it’s gonna be easier. And my main task is given. To make Him happy – whatever the cost.
As for today morning? I am not able to help Him. He wants to fuck. I’m not there. Maybe if i was there it wouldn’t make a difference. He wants to fuck His girl. The real one.
Fuck this shit.
Training will help.
I am so not ready for Him.
I texted Him good morning.
Minutes are passing by.. 5…10..then 15
I knew He was awake. Then i couldn’t resist, i checked it on messenger.
Active 5 minutes ago.
I hate this. I hate this in myself.
More waiting, i’m checking my phone in every two seconds. Then a ‘Hey’ appears. I text Him back, not telling Him how i feel.
What the fuck is going on? I start to panic, cramps in my stomach etc…
I know i shouldn’t be worried but i can’t help it. I’m trying to focus on His voice, i can hear Him in my head saying He loves me.
It doesn’t help. I’m falling into the darkness. Entering into that spiral which pulls you down. I won’t let it, though. I am stronger than this.
His good girl. If i make Him upset, He won’t stay. I have to be happy for Him. I want His reward. I need Him.
I have to force walking proud. I have to pay attention to keep my chest out, my shoulders down and my chin up. If it doesn’t show, it’ll pass. Tears filling up my eyes, i concentrate on breathing.
Count to four. Inhale. Count to four. Exhale.
I have to let this go. At least for today.
I just needed a few nice words to wake up to. He said He will text me. I didn’t ask for it.
Breathing helped. No tears for Him.
I will smile – even if it’s killing me inside.
He called me sweetie. My cramps and my panic disappears instantly. He knows i like it when He calls me sweetie.
I love Him. More and more with every breath i take… and hold… for Him. Forever.
I so knew this would happen! As soon as i say it out loud it’s gonna disappear… fuck this shit. Yesterday morning i posted here that i could used to Him being like this.
Well He wasn’t like that since then. I know i have to be patient and treasure the moments when He finally gives me what i need, but fuck this shit!
I NEED HIM! Damnit!
It makes me angry, it makes me furious inside but i have to keep calm, i have to trust Him
I HAVE TO WAIT
He does what He wants, whenever He wants to.
I have no right to feel anything but love. What a fucking stupid bitch i am? God, if He knew about this…
[5 mins later]
Like He knew… He sends me a video and it start like this
“Look, I know you’re missing my voice”
I love Him
How could i ever be upset with Him?
I am so stupid.
I have to trust Him.
He’s giving me as much as He can.
me: Good morning. I dreamt of You
He: Good girl
My best girl
me: God, i love you so much
me: i need You
Calm baby. You have me
me: i know, Sir
He: I know you need me but you have to wait
I hope you didnt go inside
[yesterday i was instructed to please myself without putting a finger inside]
He: Did you?
I would never disobey You
It was fucking hard to resist though
But i wanted to make You proud
He: My good girl
[My heart is throbbing in my throat, i feel dizzy but i have to hide it, i’m already on my way to work]
He: I dont want you to until i can fuck you
me: God, i dont think You can make me any hornier than this
He: Oh you have no idea
I want you
But you can wait
me: as long as i have to
He: Me not giving you what you want is my way of tieing you up and leaving you like it
Leaving you tied and wet
While i go out
I would hog tie you with the rope looped around your neck so if you relaxed too much it would tighten
me: God… please!
[He ignores me]
He: Leave you like it for hours
[My heart beats faster and faster. He ignores me again]
He: Maybe find a man with a big fat cock.
Bring him home
And let him have you
We would stay silent
me: Nooooo, please!
God, i’m so wet
[I try to stop Him, i don’t want anybody else except Him. I’m only His, but the thought of pleasing Him and knowing He would be enjoying watching me fucked makes me aroused beyond comprehension.
He still ignores me]
He: So you wouldnt know if it just me
But i would let him have you however he wanted
me: No, please
[I moan quietly, i close my eyes, bite my lips and stroke my neck.. i can’t hold back. People are starting to look at me. I have to stop Him, or i’m gonna explode. He ignores me of course]
He: And when he was in you from behind
I would lift up your face and remove the blindfold
And push my cock into your mouth
Until it sealed your throat
And hold it there
While he pounded you
me: God, baby please!
I need you
[I want Him here. I want to feel Him. His touch, His breath on my neck, His wet tongue all over my body. His hard cock in my pussy then in my mouth, licking, sucking Him clean. I moan again, people glance at me weirdly. He ignores me]
He: I would love warching the rope tighten round your neck
Feel it push against my cock in your throat
I would watch him come in you
Then tell him to leave straight away
So i could properly punish you for being such a dirty whore
[i know i could come within a second if i would be able to touch myself. But i can’t. He knew it and made me horny. Just because i said i can’t get any hornier, He made me. Within minutes, only with His words. Then He said He will fuck me tomorrow. God… i want Him so bad
Oh God, i easily could get used to this. His morning texts and stories in the last two days.. He made me aroused, horny and wet. In public. I have to resist the ugre to touch myself then and there, on the tram. I wouldn’t care about people watching, i just want to do it. My clit is throbbing, my heart is racing, my body is on fire, i keep noticing i’m holding my breath while He is typing.
When He’s calling me His good girl my heart skips a beat. He is so perfect in every way. I want Him to know how i feel, but i can’t describe it. I don’t have the words nor the talent to do so. He is my Master, my Love, my Life, my everything. I yearn for Him, my body aches for Him, i breathe for Him and my heats beats for Him.
I always be His.
His babygirl, His whore, His slave.