Day 11 – no texting

He dropped His phone in the toilet. Now it’s turned off, because it’s not working properly. He will leave it turned of for the whole day – which means no texting. We talked on xbox though and He asked me not to be upset, this doesn’t mean He stops thinking of me and shit, but i can’t keep it together. It’s been only an hour since we talked and i said i’m gonna be okay, but i’m already having my fucked up thoughts and panics.. Why is it this hard?! Why can’t i live without Him – it’s not that He disappeared, He’s just unable to text, but still. I can’t stop thinking of Him, i can’t go on with my day if i don’t get my regular dose of Him and i just feel awful. It’s like a fucking physical dependence… God, i need help – this is not normal. I want Him so bad, it hurts. Just to read His texts, to talk… I didn’t realise i was this addicted until now… I mean we never had to stop texting for more than an hour really and today? Between 9-14 i had no idea what the fuck was going on, He just disappeared.

Ah.. I have to go to work, but i don’t want to log off of xbox, maybe he invites me back and wants to talk a few more minutes… How will i survive this day? Maybe woth alcohol it would be easier but i really HAVE to stop drinking.. Competition in 2 weeks, i really don’t have the luxury to fuck up my training sessions and shit. So i’ll start with today. No alcohol today.

Fuck my life…

I don’t know what/who am i without Him anymore.

He defines my life. He is the center of my universe. I live to please Him…
He came to my life and changed everything. It’s not simply love, it’s way more than that. I gave myself to Him, He controls me. I breathe for Him. He is everything.

I am His.

My body burns for Him.
My heart beats for Him.
My soul longs for His possession.

Day 8 / Day 9

It’s 4:15am. I have to get up in 75 minutes.

I can’t sleep.

Yesterday He and i, we talked aboit how i haven’t fallen asleep in a mans arms for ages. But the real sad thing is that i can’t even sleep in the same bed with my boyfriend. Okay i know, it’s my fault as well – i fall asleep really hard and can wake up to literally the smallest noise… it wasn’t aleways like that. When i was younger i was okay, then in a bad moment a started to use xanax and it fucked up everything. Although it was more than 10 years ago, i can’t really sleep well since then. 

Regardless… i feel like crying… i just want to be held… a good night sleep next to a man. 

Next to Him…