Day 27 – i am nobody’s whore

Oh but i want to be. I want to be His slut, His babygirl, His obsession. I need my Master, i miss Him. I want Him to whisper filth to me. I want Him to write more. I need Him to think of me as His posession. 

I said no to Him today and He let me. I ment it and He knew it. He is so perfect in every way, with all of His flaws, with all of His imperfections. 

Ah.. i just realized… This is why i feel so down lately. He was there for me as a friend, which is good and i need Him that way as well. BUT i also need Him to punish me when i’m bad. To dominate me, to fill my head with His sweet voice, to – for a few minutes – make me forget everything else. I need Him to become one with me.

I love Him. I will never let Him go.

He is my life.

Day 27 – running in circles

Ups and downs… Always ups and downs. Sometimes i feel like i want to stop moving breathing and living alltogether. 

I want Him to be many thigs, but He’s none of them. 

Maybe i want too much. Probably it’s all my fault. I shouldn’t have fallen in love in the first place. But i CANT FUCKING HELP IT. It just wont go away and He will keep breaking my heart. Into million tiny pieces which will never fit together again. It hurts. Sometimes its good but now? What i feel now is pure pain. Like someone is stabbing me in the chest… Will it ever be more bearable? Or do i need to really stop? Should i try again to forget everything? Would it be better if id disappeared? 

So many questions and i dont have the answers. I want Him but i can’t have Him. 

Fuck this shit. 

Anger, frustration, doubt, lonliness, desperation, obsession…

I miss Him so much… I keep thinking back when we started talking.. How He wouldn’t stop texting, how i could feel His obsession with me as well. Now those are gone and they’ll never be back. Things change. Either i can except them or i should leave.

Day 14 – anxiety spiral

Oh well.. I knew this would happen eventually. He’s having a bad day. Bad mood, trouble with work, so even though He could, He’s not talking with me. This gives me time to think and you see, although i know of this, i still let myself spiral down to that horrible place where everything is bad. Where He hates me, where i’m not important to anyone, where i think i can die without anyone noticing.

Life is going by and i’m sitting here, holding my phone, checking on Him, thinking of Him, feeling bad about doing so because it scares the shit out of Him and of me as well. 

Count to four…

But it’s too late for me to back off. I’ve given up myself, gave Him the leash, let Him controling me…

Inhale…

What if He just throws it to the ground? What if He doesn’t want it anymore? What if it’s all trouble no fun for Him? Is He my Master? Does He want to be my Master?

Count to four…

Being in control, being someone’s Master.. it should be a dedication, a devotion.. not just when you feel like it.. or if it’s like this, then i have the right to be confused.

Exhale…

I have the right to panic…

Day 12 – Back to Zer0

So apparently He read everything here and was not pleased at all. Now i’m waiting it out… Either He’ll send me away or will forgive me. Time will tell…

I feel awful, but i can’t do it differently. I am in a realtionship and i have to please my boyfriend as well. I’ve made a mistake when i gave Him the link to this, but i can’t take that back now. And i won’t chamge anything here either. I will write what’s on my mind and i will be completely honest here. This is how i’ve started and this is how i want to continue. If that means i’m gonna lose Him then so be it. I need this blog to keep me sane, i gave Him too much already as it is. I know it’s too nuch for Him as well, my obsession with Him, He can’t take it… 

I’m not His good girl.. i am awful. 

I want to make it right though, i still have hope, He hasn’t left for good… yet.

Please, God, please make Him understand.

Make Him need me…

I can’t exist without Him anymore…

Day 7 – morning

I am so not ready for Him.
I texted Him good morning.

Nothing.

Minutes are passing by.. 5…10..then 15
I knew He was awake. Then i couldn’t resist, i checked it on messenger.

Active 5 minutes ago.

I hate this. I hate this in myself.
More waiting, i’m checking my phone in every two seconds. Then a ‘Hey’ appears. I text Him back, not telling Him how i feel.
Nothing again.

What the fuck is going on? I start to panic, cramps in my stomach etc…

I know i shouldn’t be worried but i can’t help it. I’m trying to focus on His voice, i can hear Him in my head saying He loves me.

It doesn’t help. I’m falling into the darkness. Entering into that spiral which pulls you down. I won’t let it, though. I am stronger than this.

His good girl. If i make Him upset, He won’t stay. I have to be happy for Him. I want His reward. I need Him.

I have to force walking proud. I have to pay attention to keep my chest out, my shoulders down and my chin up. If it doesn’t show, it’ll pass. Tears filling up my eyes, i concentrate on breathing.

Count to four. Inhale. Count to four. Exhale.

I have to let this go. At least for today.

I just needed a few nice words to wake up to. He said He will text me. I didn’t ask for it.

Breathing helped. No tears for Him.

I will smile – even if it’s killing me inside.

[40mins later]

He called me sweetie. My cramps and my panic disappears instantly. He knows i like it when He calls me sweetie.

I love Him. More and more with every breath i take… and hold… for Him. Forever.