Day 12 – night

As the vodka pours down on my throat, the cramping in my stomach eases. He’s back. I can stay. Somehow i still feel shit. He only wrote a few lines in the whole evening, so i have no idea what’s going on really. I’m not tired. I couldn’t sleep even if i was tired. Maybe tomorrow He’ll be back for real… I’m not expecting Him to text me good morning though.. Maybe things will never be the same.. Maybe they will…

One thing is for sure. No more orgasms for me until He lets me and since we’re not really talking, especially not of this kind of things, it’s gonna be a while.

I texted Him “I love You”,
He texted me “Night”

My heart is breaking… Should i let Him go? But what does a slave worth without her Master? Who am i without Him? I know it’s a big responsibility, but isn’t it to late for Him to back off? When He already got everything from me… He said it’s hard for Him to be my everything and nothing all at once – Yes. It’s fucking hard. Hard for me as well, i am the one who will never get Him completely. I do understand He won’t leave His family and i wouldn’t even think of asking that from Him. I’m okay with things as they are/were..

Or maybe it’ll pass… Fuck, i’m crying so hard. Can this pass? Can this stop somehow?

No, no, no, no, shut up you stupid coward cow!


I can take the pain. For Him i can endure anything.

[and just when i published this He wrote He loves me.. it’s like He knows… how can He always know what i need? It is scary…]


Day 8 / Day 9

It’s 4:15am. I have to get up in 75 minutes.

I can’t sleep.

Yesterday He and i, we talked aboit how i haven’t fallen asleep in a mans arms for ages. But the real sad thing is that i can’t even sleep in the same bed with my boyfriend. Okay i know, it’s my fault as well – i fall asleep really hard and can wake up to literally the smallest noise… it wasn’t aleways like that. When i was younger i was okay, then in a bad moment a started to use xanax and it fucked up everything. Although it was more than 10 years ago, i can’t really sleep well since then. 

Regardless… i feel like crying… i just want to be held… a good night sleep next to a man. 

Next to Him…

Withdrawal Symptoms

He didn’t call.
He didn’t send a video.
I wasn’t be able to hear His voice in more than a day.
Fuck it’t so hard! I know He’s not feeling very well and i shouldn’t have bother Him with asking for it.
He lets me hear Him whenever He wants.
I’m not good. I was a stupid bitch, but i just need to hear Him.
His beautiful, perfect voice
which turns me on instantly… which can calm me down within seconds,
which can make me come,
Which can make me feel important…
I need it!
My eyelids are heavy, i’m falling asleep while typing…

I hope i’ll dream of Him.
I hope i can hear Him in my dreams.
I hope tomorrow He’ll make time for me.

Good night