Day 27 – running in circles

Ups and downs… Always ups and downs. Sometimes i feel like i want to stop moving breathing and living alltogether. 

I want Him to be many thigs, but He’s none of them. 

Maybe i want too much. Probably it’s all my fault. I shouldn’t have fallen in love in the first place. But i CANT FUCKING HELP IT. It just wont go away and He will keep breaking my heart. Into million tiny pieces which will never fit together again. It hurts. Sometimes its good but now? What i feel now is pure pain. Like someone is stabbing me in the chest… Will it ever be more bearable? Or do i need to really stop? Should i try again to forget everything? Would it be better if id disappeared? 

So many questions and i dont have the answers. I want Him but i can’t have Him. 

Fuck this shit. 

Anger, frustration, doubt, lonliness, desperation, obsession…

I miss Him so much… I keep thinking back when we started talking.. How He wouldn’t stop texting, how i could feel His obsession with me as well. Now those are gone and they’ll never be back. Things change. Either i can except them or i should leave.

Sweettalk

I love you and yes [pause] you are my whore

Im not gonna just hold your fucking hand… [pause] Im not gonna fuck you, but im gonna punish you. You will get what you want

Hold it, hold it, hold it, bitch

That’s my good girl

Beautiful woman of my dreams

I’m sorry, what did you say? Yes, what? 

You are amazing. Never let anyone tell you different

Do as you are told

Deny me again and I will hurt you… ways you can’t even imagine

Your body is stunning

Its [His cock] yours in September if you can just do as you are told baby. If not all you will get is pain

You can save it for me because that pussy clit and arse hole are MINE

Remember even when you can’t speak to me whenever I’m not about. Even when I haven’t managed to send you a heart for a while, you’re never far from my thoughts. If you feel alone, remember that.

Show me your pussy, slave. NOW!

Day 16 – not thinking of Him

Emptyness. 

It’s been 12 hours since we talked properly.

When i asked for permission to touch He said “think of me”. Well fuck Him, i won’t!

There won’t be any good night text from Him, i just know it. I’ve unsent my messages, they were there for a couple of hours, unseen. Aaaaahhh FUCK! I hate this fucking obsession of mine! I hate Him! I hate Him! I FUCKING HATE HIM!

I need a drink…

I won’t think of Him! Never ever again!

And if He reads this? Then i’m gonna fucking murder Him, fucking asshole, stupid shit! How dare He not think of me???

Right, vodka… 

Cheers

Day 12 – night

As the vodka pours down on my throat, the cramping in my stomach eases. He’s back. I can stay. Somehow i still feel shit. He only wrote a few lines in the whole evening, so i have no idea what’s going on really. I’m not tired. I couldn’t sleep even if i was tired. Maybe tomorrow He’ll be back for real… I’m not expecting Him to text me good morning though.. Maybe things will never be the same.. Maybe they will…

One thing is for sure. No more orgasms for me until He lets me and since we’re not really talking, especially not of this kind of things, it’s gonna be a while.

I texted Him “I love You”,
He texted me “Night”

My heart is breaking… Should i let Him go? But what does a slave worth without her Master? Who am i without Him? I know it’s a big responsibility, but isn’t it to late for Him to back off? When He already got everything from me… He said it’s hard for Him to be my everything and nothing all at once – Yes. It’s fucking hard. Hard for me as well, i am the one who will never get Him completely. I do understand He won’t leave His family and i wouldn’t even think of asking that from Him. I’m okay with things as they are/were..

Or maybe it’ll pass… Fuck, i’m crying so hard. Can this pass? Can this stop somehow?

No, no, no, no, shut up you stupid coward cow!

I DON’T WANT IT TO STOP.

I can take the pain. For Him i can endure anything.

[and just when i published this He wrote He loves me.. it’s like He knows… how can He always know what i need? It is scary…]

Day 12 – Back to Zer0

So apparently He read everything here and was not pleased at all. Now i’m waiting it out… Either He’ll send me away or will forgive me. Time will tell…

I feel awful, but i can’t do it differently. I am in a realtionship and i have to please my boyfriend as well. I’ve made a mistake when i gave Him the link to this, but i can’t take that back now. And i won’t chamge anything here either. I will write what’s on my mind and i will be completely honest here. This is how i’ve started and this is how i want to continue. If that means i’m gonna lose Him then so be it. I need this blog to keep me sane, i gave Him too much already as it is. I know it’s too nuch for Him as well, my obsession with Him, He can’t take it… 

I’m not His good girl.. i am awful. 

I want to make it right though, i still have hope, He hasn’t left for good… yet.

Please, God, please make Him understand.

Make Him need me…

I can’t exist without Him anymore…

Day 11 – no texting

He dropped His phone in the toilet. Now it’s turned off, because it’s not working properly. He will leave it turned of for the whole day – which means no texting. We talked on xbox though and He asked me not to be upset, this doesn’t mean He stops thinking of me and shit, but i can’t keep it together. It’s been only an hour since we talked and i said i’m gonna be okay, but i’m already having my fucked up thoughts and panics.. Why is it this hard?! Why can’t i live without Him – it’s not that He disappeared, He’s just unable to text, but still. I can’t stop thinking of Him, i can’t go on with my day if i don’t get my regular dose of Him and i just feel awful. It’s like a fucking physical dependence… God, i need help – this is not normal. I want Him so bad, it hurts. Just to read His texts, to talk… I didn’t realise i was this addicted until now… I mean we never had to stop texting for more than an hour really and today? Between 9-14 i had no idea what the fuck was going on, He just disappeared.

Ah.. I have to go to work, but i don’t want to log off of xbox, maybe he invites me back and wants to talk a few more minutes… How will i survive this day? Maybe woth alcohol it would be easier but i really HAVE to stop drinking.. Competition in 2 weeks, i really don’t have the luxury to fuck up my training sessions and shit. So i’ll start with today. No alcohol today.

Fuck my life…

I don’t know what/who am i without Him anymore.

He defines my life. He is the center of my universe. I live to please Him…
He came to my life and changed everything. It’s not simply love, it’s way more than that. I gave myself to Him, He controls me. I breathe for Him. He is everything.

I am His.

My body burns for Him.
My heart beats for Him.
My soul longs for His possession.

Caring words III

He: I have a pic of my current mood you will love

[sends picture, His belt in His hand, looking at me like i did something wrong. He wants to punish me. Somehow He turned all His aggression, frustration and anger into this sole thing – punishing me]

me: oh God
I want You to hurt me
He: i will
me: Thank You, Sir
He: My good girl. Its a good job im not there as i would take it out on you.  You wouldn’t be able to leave the apartment today
me: i wouldn’t mind
I mean it
He: I know… So do I
me: God… i’m so wet
He: Good
       I would roll up my belt  nice and tight and fuck you with it before beating your ass with it
       You wouldn’t be able to sit down for the rest of the day
me: Hhmmmhhmm
Fuck my life
He: In fact I would make you stand in the corner until i needed you again
       Naked
       Hands on head belt round you neck
       Waiting to be used
me: God
He: Show me your pussy, slave
       NOW

[I’m at the gym, working. My trainees are there. But i don’t care. I’m in the middle of a sentence and i leave it unfinished as i hurry to the bathroom, unbuttoning my shorts, pulling down everything and taking a picture for Him]

me: as You wish
He: Photo was blank
       Do it again

[Sending it again]

He: Pretty
       Where are you?
me: Gym
Can i go back?
He: Yes. Go on.
me: Thank you
He: But i want more later
me: Anything
He: Want to see you fuck yourself with that dildo
me: God
Please don’t

[I never used one. I don’t want Him to see.. I am embarrassed, what if i do it wrong somehow? I’m afraid of letting Him down. It’s too much! He is the only one who saw me pleasing myself, nobody else ever watched me. It’s too personal… God, i just want to please Him!]

He: YOU FUCKING WHAT!
me: i am sorry, Sir
He: I should think so
      Whore
me: i can’t breathe
He: Good 
       Fucking deny me again and you will regret it
me: i just…
Nevermind, i’m sorry
I won’t deny You
He: GOOD
       Unless you have a real reason don’t deny me what I want
me: I’m embarrassed, is that a good enough reason?
He: No not reason enough. You are my fucking slave i dont care if you are embarrassed
me: I’m burning up, my heart is racing and i can’t breathe
I want You
I want You so bad it hurts
He: I will fuck you later