Day 26 – panic, panic, panic

It’s been so long since… I don’t even know since what.. I feel less and less important day by day. We barely talk, He’s busy, i’m busy, i get it. I am just afraid that it’ll pass. For Him. I keep hearing more and more of His real girl. Things must be getting better with her, which – as a friend i should say – is good, but to be honest it makes me afraid. He keep saying “both of us” meaning His real girl and me, but..

Am i really there?

I know now is the time when i see everything darker than they’re for real but i can’t help it.  Issues with my company give a terrible baseline and on top of that comes everything. Every little thing adds something to that and now i’m at the point when literally a not well chosen word can make me cry for hours. I became inpatient, frustrated and i do know of it but still am unable to change.

Ah well, gotta go. Lawyer’s not gonna wait. Wish me luck.

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Day 24 – morning

Ah yesterday i had a lovely day! I did great on the competition and everyone around me was super awesome and supportive. Even Him! He was there for me, checking up on my progress, being happy for me and for my records and everything.

I felt like maybe i’m okay. Its been days since i had a panic attack and i was thinking maybe keeping this blog running is unnecesarry. Like we found the balance and i wont get upset ever again. How nice it would be though…

Well, as always, this really was not the case. I woke up feeling shit today. Its been an hour since, and i cant get rid of the feeling… im holding back everything trying to burst into tears. I feel lonely. Alone. I have so many people around me but now i feel none of them are real.

Ah its bullshit. Fuck it. I wont let myself sink into this. Up is the way to go. 

Fuck sadness!
Fuck loneliness!
Fuck everything!

Day 21 – feeling uneasy

Maybe it’s because this week was all about doctors and hospitals, i needed to get a paper saying i’m fit to compete and had to do a bunch of examinations. Plus i had to made stuff for my gym so i had little time to sleep. And with the competition right around the corner, i’m starting to feel nervous about that as well. Anyway, at least i got the papers and took this day off from work, so now i had a day – well an afternoon – to rest.

But this is just bullshit. My real problem is… well time flies fast and September… it’s gonna be here sooner than i expect and today i just realized i don’t want to cheat on my boyfriend. I mean yes, obviously i wasn’t gonna, but i had fantasies where He fucked me or i sucked His cock and so on.. I don’t know.. my line dividing what’s cheating and what’s not is kinda blurry. A kiss is not cheating. His cock in me would be cheating. He choking me, tying me up or hurting me in any physical way wouldn’t be cheating. I have my rules of these, but these are only physical things. Emotional cheating? Oh well, if you fall in love with somebody.. that, i would have considered cheating before. Now it’s different, because i love my boyfriend, but as much as i love him, he will never be able to give me what i need. In sex? Yes. We work pretty good together there, but almost every other aspect of our relationship needs improvement. And i know i’m not a good person, seriously what the fuck is this blog here, i\m at least i’m pretty self-conscious, i know myself pretty well and i’m trying to improve wherever i want. Important word here: Wherever i WANT. I could do more, but i’m happy with some of my issues and i’m deliberately won’t ‘fix’ them. But my boyfriend? Initially i could see him trying, but nowadays? Not really. I know it’s a complex issue and i needed to be more patient but how much of my happiness can i sacrifice while waiting on him? He’s not even trying!

I don’t wanna leave him. You can say everything about true love, but i’m sorry, real life is not a fucking fairy tale. If you want a long-time, working relationship, you have to settle for certain things. It’s not a fucking joyride, it takes patience, understanding, ability to compromise, empathy and a lot more to survive. And even when everything is there and things are working perfectly, even then, out of nowhere, can come a fucker who ruins everything.

Well i jumped from one relationship to the other all my life and i moved on when i got bored. Yes, it’s disgusting, but don’t be a hypocrite, you’ve done the same at least once. But when you reach that point in your life when you realize nothing will ever significantly change for you, you will try to settle down and try to stay in your relationship. I’m at that point now. I want to keep this. I want to have his child. Life is easy with him. We have our ups and downs, and now… we’re currently sitting in super-big hole and when i try to climb, he pulls me back. It’s not that bad as my previous partners were though and unlike those relationships, this one i want to fix.

But you see… How can i put effort in it, when He is here for me? When i finally starting to accept that He loves me back? When i’m not panicking anymore? And we’re gonna meet in 15 weeks… And what i need from Him…

That is considered cheating even by my fucked up standards.

Day 14 – anxiety spiral

Oh well.. I knew this would happen eventually. He’s having a bad day. Bad mood, trouble with work, so even though He could, He’s not talking with me. This gives me time to think and you see, although i know of this, i still let myself spiral down to that horrible place where everything is bad. Where He hates me, where i’m not important to anyone, where i think i can die without anyone noticing.

Life is going by and i’m sitting here, holding my phone, checking on Him, thinking of Him, feeling bad about doing so because it scares the shit out of Him and of me as well. 

Count to four…

But it’s too late for me to back off. I’ve given up myself, gave Him the leash, let Him controling me…

Inhale…

What if He just throws it to the ground? What if He doesn’t want it anymore? What if it’s all trouble no fun for Him? Is He my Master? Does He want to be my Master?

Count to four…

Being in control, being someone’s Master.. it should be a dedication, a devotion.. not just when you feel like it.. or if it’s like this, then i have the right to be confused.

Exhale…

I have the right to panic…

Day 12 – night

As the vodka pours down on my throat, the cramping in my stomach eases. He’s back. I can stay. Somehow i still feel shit. He only wrote a few lines in the whole evening, so i have no idea what’s going on really. I’m not tired. I couldn’t sleep even if i was tired. Maybe tomorrow He’ll be back for real… I’m not expecting Him to text me good morning though.. Maybe things will never be the same.. Maybe they will…

One thing is for sure. No more orgasms for me until He lets me and since we’re not really talking, especially not of this kind of things, it’s gonna be a while.

I texted Him “I love You”,
He texted me “Night”

My heart is breaking… Should i let Him go? But what does a slave worth without her Master? Who am i without Him? I know it’s a big responsibility, but isn’t it to late for Him to back off? When He already got everything from me… He said it’s hard for Him to be my everything and nothing all at once – Yes. It’s fucking hard. Hard for me as well, i am the one who will never get Him completely. I do understand He won’t leave His family and i wouldn’t even think of asking that from Him. I’m okay with things as they are/were..

Or maybe it’ll pass… Fuck, i’m crying so hard. Can this pass? Can this stop somehow?

No, no, no, no, shut up you stupid coward cow!

I DON’T WANT IT TO STOP.

I can take the pain. For Him i can endure anything.

[and just when i published this He wrote He loves me.. it’s like He knows… how can He always know what i need? It is scary…]

Day 12 – Back to Zer0

So apparently He read everything here and was not pleased at all. Now i’m waiting it out… Either He’ll send me away or will forgive me. Time will tell…

I feel awful, but i can’t do it differently. I am in a realtionship and i have to please my boyfriend as well. I’ve made a mistake when i gave Him the link to this, but i can’t take that back now. And i won’t chamge anything here either. I will write what’s on my mind and i will be completely honest here. This is how i’ve started and this is how i want to continue. If that means i’m gonna lose Him then so be it. I need this blog to keep me sane, i gave Him too much already as it is. I know it’s too nuch for Him as well, my obsession with Him, He can’t take it… 

I’m not His good girl.. i am awful. 

I want to make it right though, i still have hope, He hasn’t left for good… yet.

Please, God, please make Him understand.

Make Him need me…

I can’t exist without Him anymore…