Day 28 – how to cope

The worst part is probably that i don’t really know what’s going on now. I can’t do “lets be friends only” with Him. Not after what He has done to me. Not after everything we went through. I thought i buried everything 2 years after my first and only D/s relationship. Yeah, i’ve been trying to find a new guy after that and went on with a few, but all was terrible. People usually don’t get this whole thing right. So i gave up. I pushed my needs back and eventually i managed to forget about them. Years passed and i was completely fine.

Then He came, out of nowhere. I mean i don’t even know how this whole thing happened, we were only playing together, then i was already deep in cyber fucking, orgasm control and whatnot. And He was so good in it… He got full control of me just like that. And i gave Him everything gladly. Because… Why not?! I enjoyed it, He woke everything up in me, every need, every suppressed feeling.. they came to the surface and i couldn’t ignore them anymore.

I had a choice back at some point. Either i accept myself as a sub for life or i push back everything again knowing they will eventually come back again sometime. I chose the first option. This is still fucking hard for me. My boyfriend never will be my master, he just never could. He’s not like that. So knowing this i still chose the first option. Because i thought [John] will be there for me forever. When i said i will be His always and forever those weren’t just empty words, those weren’t just a part of a game. I meant those words. And honestly? I thought He knew it. I mean He just can’t be that cruel to accept full submission from me and think it’s only a game. I know Him that much, He is not cruel like that….

Anyway yesterday i was texting Him i will touch myself, because this is the only thing He can control from a distance. Well, only thing He was interested in to control – i think i would be a super great dom.. i have soooo many ideas, oh God… But back to the subject, so i’ve told Him i’ll do it. He said “Yeah, okay” and i replied “i wasn’t asking”. My heart was pounding so fast because i knew whatever His next line will be it’ll decide everything.

“I know” He replied. Which in my reading means He’s given up on me as His sub. It felt exactly the same as my first Dom said “This is too easy for me” before he left and never came back. The difference is He’s still here. And He wants to keep me around as a friend i guess. Oh yeah, and i have my plane tickets. Fuck.. i just don’t know how to cope! I love Him as a friend, yes. And i don’t want to lose Him obviously but it’s just too fucking hard after all of this.

I have this choker necklace. While i’m wearing it He knows He owns me whether He wants it or not. I was thinking getting it off, making it easy for both of us, but i can’t. I can write anything here, i can lie to you, to Him and to myself saying i will forget Him or i don’t need Him anymore but it’s all bullshit while i keep that lace around my neck.

And i will keep it.

Always and forever.

I didn’t touch myself.

Caring words IV

[I was going through His texts, the best bits, the saved ones which always make me wet.. It wasn’t different this time, either. He was out but i still asked for permission and waited 15 minutes before i finally decided to touch myself without Him allowing it to me]

me: Aaaaah get back, i need permission

[25 mins later]

He: I’m back
       ❤
       My God woman, you feeling extra horny today
me: Oh… you’re here…
        Uhm…
        I… uhmm…
He: Go on then
me: I… have… already done it
He: What? Before I came home!?
me: God, please don’t be angry
He: Oh dear
me: I’m sorry, i just couldn’t wait any longer
He: it’s still going in my little book
me: No, baby, please no [sad face]
He: It’s okay… You will pay for every one in September
me: What book, anyway? No, please, this is not my fault
He: It is
me: You weren’t here
He: You’re a little whore [Chloe] and you will pay
        In so many ways
me: September is 3.5 months away
        You’ll forgive me by then, i’m sure 🙂
He: I’ll forgive you when you are begging me to stop whipping you
me: But but but
        You CAN’T leave a mark!!!
He: I won’t
me: How’s that possible?
       It’s not… is it?
       You’re just saying it to make me scared
He: It is possible. Not with a whip… but I can do things that won’t mark you, that will eave you feeling like you WISH I had whipped you

[I feel that warmth between my legs again… It’s like an unsatisfiable hunger, i need to do it again… My hand is moving down, i’m still naked… My finger is almost there, then i stop myself. I need His permission. Fuck… My heart is racing and i feel the blood throbbing in my clit]

me: {John}, Honey, please… stop it
        God, i’m so horny
He: See… you should have waited
       Because now you AREN’T allowed
me: Please, i beg you!
He: No way, you broke my rules
me: But You weren’t here!
He: So? You knew that I would be back
       You also knew you were disobeying me
me: Please! I need to do it
He: Tough you whore NO…. you can wait
me: Please! I’ll do anything… What do You want me to do?
He: I want you to do as you are told.
me: As You wish
He: Good girl

[I was gonna stop.. I was ready to let it go, I was ready to do as i was told, then He wrote those two words…. My heart skipped a beat and the world went blurry for a second. I felt the wetness spreading down there and i had to force myself to not touch it]

me: Fuck
        Too bad, i’m not there

[because I would kneel before You, Master. I would kneel, and get Your cock out, put it into my mouth and suck it until it gets hard in my mouth and then for even more, until You grab my head and start to force it all the way down on my throat… until i start to choke on it, looking up to You, tears in my eyes, make up ruined and You, Sir.. You just standing there with Your half-smile on Your face, holding my head until You come in my mouth…]

He: Oh, you are lucky… if you were mine, you would be regretting this now
me: What would You do?
He: I would string you up by your wrists from a pulley in the ceiling.
       And beat you with the whip handle.
       Before sticking it in your pussy where you would have to hold it in… if you let if fall out I would beat you again
       Until you got it
me: Can i touch myself now?
He: It’s been 5 mins
       Get fucked
       No
me: But You’re making me horny!
He: Good
       Then I would get my blowtorch and my small brand in the shape of my initial… Only 3mm big and I would heat it up until it was red
me: God, no
He: And give you a permanent reminder
me: Stop it
He: To DO AS YOU ARE TOLD
me: No, please, STOP IT
        I can’t breathe

[By this pint i can barely keep myself from touching my clit. My body is in flames, i’m panting, my heart is racing i\m so aroused i feel dizzy]

He: Good… I wonder how many little letters you would earn over the years
me: STOP IT
He: Enough to make a pretty pattern
me: [John]… I’ll be a good girl, joust please stop this
        I want You
He: I know
me: I’m really wet
He: Of course
me: Why are You doing this to me?
        God, please
       At least let me touch!
He: Because you didn’t obey me
       No
      5 mins… and I will think about it

[5 mins later]

He: Go on then
me: Thank You
He: But not inside
       Only your clit
me: Fuck
       As You wish
      …Sir
He: Good girl.. Imagine it’s my tongue

[I didn’t last long… I was so aroused to start with… As i closed my eyes He appeared… Touching me, hurting me, fucking me, loving me, holding me. I screamed while i came…]

Day 13 – morning pleasure

I woke up to His text… I was horny to start with, He didn’t even have to say anything. I asked for permission to touch myself and come

me: can i touch myself?
He: Yes, you can but I want a photo at least
me: Am i allowed to come?
He: Yes
       Think of me
       Eating your pussy and ass
       Getting my tongue right in both
       And come in your ass
       I’m off, I expect some good images from you

No permission to use anything in my pussy though… So that left me only my clit and ass. I’m not a big fan of anal, i can count on one hand the times i had it and never done it for myself… only like rubbing or maybe half a finger, just for fun.. But He wanted to fuck me in the ass.. who am i to take it away from Him? I got my red dildo.. Thank God it’s not thick though… I readied my camera, put it on my bed and knelt over it so He could see everything. I applied lube and started to push it into my ass. It did hurt… badly. But i was strong and pushed it further. Centimeter by centimeter it went deeper and deeper… the pain started to subtle and as i started to rub my clit i noticed i’m really wet. The pain turned me on instantly… I was holding the dildo on the bed and started to ride it. As i moved the pain became more intense. I started to sweat as i moved faster and faster fucking that dildo, imagining His cock going in and out of me. The pain became so intense i wanted to stop but i had to keep going for Him. I changed position, laying on my back, legs in my neck, the red dildo standing out of my ass and i’m rubbing my clit as crazy.. Then i remembered i can turn it on… It starts to vibrate inside me and warmth rushes through me.. It feels so good i can’t describe it. I turn on my camera again, i want Him to see me come. My body is on fire, i can’t breathe and i’m shaking. I’m fucking my ass as hard as i can and i’m enjoying the pain it causes. I’m seconds away from coming and i’m imagining Him fucking me like that, His cock moving in me, His fingers rubbing my clit and that does it… I’m coming hard… I lie there for a couple of seconds, then i turn off the dildo, i’m pulling it out, it hurts some more then the pain is gone. I’m turning off the camera as well… I hope He will be pleased

Day 12 – night

As the vodka pours down on my throat, the cramping in my stomach eases. He’s back. I can stay. Somehow i still feel shit. He only wrote a few lines in the whole evening, so i have no idea what’s going on really. I’m not tired. I couldn’t sleep even if i was tired. Maybe tomorrow He’ll be back for real… I’m not expecting Him to text me good morning though.. Maybe things will never be the same.. Maybe they will…

One thing is for sure. No more orgasms for me until He lets me and since we’re not really talking, especially not of this kind of things, it’s gonna be a while.

I texted Him “I love You”,
He texted me “Night”

My heart is breaking… Should i let Him go? But what does a slave worth without her Master? Who am i without Him? I know it’s a big responsibility, but isn’t it to late for Him to back off? When He already got everything from me… He said it’s hard for Him to be my everything and nothing all at once – Yes. It’s fucking hard. Hard for me as well, i am the one who will never get Him completely. I do understand He won’t leave His family and i wouldn’t even think of asking that from Him. I’m okay with things as they are/were..

Or maybe it’ll pass… Fuck, i’m crying so hard. Can this pass? Can this stop somehow?

No, no, no, no, shut up you stupid coward cow!

I DON’T WANT IT TO STOP.

I can take the pain. For Him i can endure anything.

[and just when i published this He wrote He loves me.. it’s like He knows… how can He always know what i need? It is scary…]

His rules

He: Hey showing the world your ass!
me: Uhm, insta?
He: Yes
me: Well, it’s my back!
He: That’s mine… no it’s not, it’s your ass as well
me: God…
He: Show your beautiful back by all accounts… nut that ass is mine
       I’ll let you off this time
me: Won’t happen again
Sir
He: It better not young lady
me: Will you punish me then?
He: Not today, no
      But if I find out you have ever done that again without showing me first to ask permission… then yes
me: You should write me your rules…
He: My rules are simple
      Think of ME first before you do anything and be a good girl

Day 6 – afternoon

I must have been a really good girl… He was so pleased with me. And He gave me what i wanted. It was so perfect, how He teased me while i was on my way home, He made me so horny i was shaking. Then i had to take a shower and He only wanted to see a picture of my ass. Then we talked.

He talked…

His voice.. The sweetest thing on earth. Strong, demanding and soft and caring all in the same time. Even when He’s only talking about training or grocery shopping or anything.. it gets me every time. I’m clinging on His words. It makes me forget everything else. While He talks, nothing else exists. He fills up my mind, shutting out everything, making room for nothing else.

He called me His good girl… Then He asked me if i was His whore.. i said yes…
‘Yes, what?’ – he asked.
‘Yes, Sir. Sorry, Sir.’ – i answered.
‘Better’ – He said…

He told me a story. A very detailed one. He listened to me moaning and panting asking questions if i was doing as i was told. I did everything exactly as He asked – sorry, wanted it. He told me when to breathe in, told me for how long to hold it and – not like before – this time it was freakin hard to hold it! When i started to moan in discomfort, He told me to hold it. Then He told me to hold even longer. Then He let me breathe out and i was panting, moaning and screaming in pleasure. I think He enjoyed that.

He could hear on my voice when i was close… He said He wants to come when i do and that… well it was just perfect. He did come in the exact moment i did and it made it fucking perfect. For me it was so full of emotions it made me cry. Then He said he would hug me, hold me tight, He said He would be there for me, to calm me and i could hear in His voice He really really ment what He said. He said He loves me. My heartrate slowed.. i could breathe normally once again, then He said something which made my heart beat faster once again.

You have to know we’re planning to meet in Sept. His country. I really don’t know what to expect. Until now i was thinking we would talk, He said mayne hold hands a lot.. but you see, now He starts to talk about a friend there. With a room. He talks about how He would take me there.

I’m not gonna just hold your fucking hand…
[Pause]
I’m not gonna fuck you, but I’m gonna punish you. You will get what you want

God.. What if He’s serious? What if He means it? I don’t even know which one would make me happier.. if He means it, or not.

But i do know, don’t i?! I want Him to punish me. I want Him to choke me until i pass out, i want Him to hold me tight, i want Him to explore my body, i want Him to make me suck His cock and i want Him to come in my mouth and kiss me after…

Day 4 – morning

He: Did you sort out your problem?
me: Yeah.. i had to stay up pretty late though
He: okay…and?
me: He’s jealous. But it’s an ongoing problem for him
He: Okay

[Horrible seconds passing by, i’m thinking maybe i lost Him? I’m already thinking what i’ll write of this on the blog]

He: Tough. You are mine

[My heart stops reading this. I’m instantly wet and start to pant. I almost faint]

me: Fuck my life
God
He: Are you mine?
me: Yes oh god yes of course!
He: Good
me: I.. i cant breathe
God
He: Here’s  a little reward…for being mine
      [sends picture of His hard cock]
me: Oh God
Thank you
…Sir
He: Good girl
me: God, i’m wet
He: Good
       You would need to be

[He made me so horny, i barely can stand on my feet. I’m still panting and people start to notice it. I wanna taste His cock, kneel before Him, look up to Him while pleasing Him… His hands on my head, helping me get the rhythm right, smiling at me with His perfect half-smile, looking me in the eyes and saying ‘good girl’ to me after He comes in my mouth]

me: Did u look at my pics?
He: No…i dont need to
       I just close my eyes
       And you are there
me: You are perfect

I love You
He: I love you too  slave
me: i am Yours. Forever.
My one and only Master
He: I best get up
me: thank You for this
He: Just remember i am you master for as long as you do as you are told.  I wont put up with you being a bitch about all this.  I love you but i wont be emotionally pulled about. Be happy you are my thought slave at least.  Anything else that comes from this is a bonus
Do you understand?
me: yes, Sir
He: Good
me: thank You, Sir

[I promise i’ll be good. I won’t be a bitch about anything. I’ll be Your good girl, my Love. I’m still horny and wet but i can’t do anything about it. I have to wait to please myself. I’ll ask for His permission now. I need His permission as He controls me and my body.

Good morning]