Day 7 – morning

I am so not ready for Him.
I texted Him good morning.


Minutes are passing by.. 5…10..then 15
I knew He was awake. Then i couldn’t resist, i checked it on messenger.

Active 5 minutes ago.

I hate this. I hate this in myself.
More waiting, i’m checking my phone in every two seconds. Then a ‘Hey’ appears. I text Him back, not telling Him how i feel.
Nothing again.

What the fuck is going on? I start to panic, cramps in my stomach etc…

I know i shouldn’t be worried but i can’t help it. I’m trying to focus on His voice, i can hear Him in my head saying He loves me.

It doesn’t help. I’m falling into the darkness. Entering into that spiral which pulls you down. I won’t let it, though. I am stronger than this.

His good girl. If i make Him upset, He won’t stay. I have to be happy for Him. I want His reward. I need Him.

I have to force walking proud. I have to pay attention to keep my chest out, my shoulders down and my chin up. If it doesn’t show, it’ll pass. Tears filling up my eyes, i concentrate on breathing.

Count to four. Inhale. Count to four. Exhale.

I have to let this go. At least for today.

I just needed a few nice words to wake up to. He said He will text me. I didn’t ask for it.

Breathing helped. No tears for Him.

I will smile – even if it’s killing me inside.

[40mins later]

He called me sweetie. My cramps and my panic disappears instantly. He knows i like it when He calls me sweetie.

I love Him. More and more with every breath i take… and hold… for Him. Forever.


Withdrawal Symptoms

He didn’t call.
He didn’t send a video.
I wasn’t be able to hear His voice in more than a day.
Fuck it’t so hard! I know He’s not feeling very well and i shouldn’t have bother Him with asking for it.
He lets me hear Him whenever He wants.
I’m not good. I was a stupid bitch, but i just need to hear Him.
His beautiful, perfect voice
which turns me on instantly… which can calm me down within seconds,
which can make me come,
Which can make me feel important…
I need it!
My eyelids are heavy, i’m falling asleep while typing…

I hope i’ll dream of Him.
I hope i can hear Him in my dreams.
I hope tomorrow He’ll make time for me.

Good night