Day 28 – how to cope

The worst part is probably that i don’t really know what’s going on now. I can’t do “lets be friends only” with Him. Not after what He has done to me. Not after everything we went through. I thought i buried everything 2 years after my first and only D/s relationship. Yeah, i’ve been trying to find a new guy after that and went on with a few, but all was terrible. People usually don’t get this whole thing right. So i gave up. I pushed my needs back and eventually i managed to forget about them. Years passed and i was completely fine.

Then He came, out of nowhere. I mean i don’t even know how this whole thing happened, we were only playing together, then i was already deep in cyber fucking, orgasm control and whatnot. And He was so good in it… He got full control of me just like that. And i gave Him everything gladly. Because… Why not?! I enjoyed it, He woke everything up in me, every need, every suppressed feeling.. they came to the surface and i couldn’t ignore them anymore.

I had a choice back at some point. Either i accept myself as a sub for life or i push back everything again knowing they will eventually come back again sometime. I chose the first option. This is still fucking hard for me. My boyfriend never will be my master, he just never could. He’s not like that. So knowing this i still chose the first option. Because i thought [John] will be there for me forever. When i said i will be His always and forever those weren’t just empty words, those weren’t just a part of a game. I meant those words. And honestly? I thought He knew it. I mean He just can’t be that cruel to accept full submission from me and think it’s only a game. I know Him that much, He is not cruel like that….

Anyway yesterday i was texting Him i will touch myself, because this is the only thing He can control from a distance. Well, only thing He was interested in to control – i think i would be a super great dom.. i have soooo many ideas, oh God… But back to the subject, so i’ve told Him i’ll do it. He said “Yeah, okay” and i replied “i wasn’t asking”. My heart was pounding so fast because i knew whatever His next line will be it’ll decide everything.

“I know” He replied. Which in my reading means He’s given up on me as His sub. It felt exactly the same as my first Dom said “This is too easy for me” before he left and never came back. The difference is He’s still here. And He wants to keep me around as a friend i guess. Oh yeah, and i have my plane tickets. Fuck.. i just don’t know how to cope! I love Him as a friend, yes. And i don’t want to lose Him obviously but it’s just too fucking hard after all of this.

I have this choker necklace. While i’m wearing it He knows He owns me whether He wants it or not. I was thinking getting it off, making it easy for both of us, but i can’t. I can write anything here, i can lie to you, to Him and to myself saying i will forget Him or i don’t need Him anymore but it’s all bullshit while i keep that lace around my neck.

And i will keep it.

Always and forever.

I didn’t touch myself.

Advertisements

Day 18 – easy day

Mostly we didn’t talk today, somehow I feel safe. It’s so rare that i have to treasure it while it lasts. Then when He got back and could text again, He was so sweet. I don’t care if everything has to stop if He remains my friend. My light in the dark. My beacon of hope. My best friend. 

I know it’s way more than that from my part… but it’s gonna stay like this. He likes me, i know that much and that is more than enough. As long as He lets me hear His voice, as long as He listens to my problems and struggles, i am genuinely happy. In exchange i can give Him my devotion, my love and my life.

This day.. It was challenging for me. Anniversary of my ED so i went through of my old photos, listened to a song which was my fave back then, i’ve even posted about it on facebook.. The other thing is.. excuse me if it’s too much information, but today i’ve got my period – 18th time since we started trying for a baby. It gets to me every time. I just can’t get used to the disappointment. I’m probably not ready anyway, but it’s like i’ve been hit in the stomach. Plus i won’t drink anymore, which is also challenging considering i drank every day in the past month. But the competition is here (at Sat) and i really don’t want to waste more money on alcohol. I don’t need any addiction in my life besides Him.

So to sum it up, today has been my best day since i’ve started this blog. Best as in it was freaking hard, but i really do feel safe, appreciated and if not wanted exactly, but something very close to it.

He had a nice time with His woman which made me jealous because a few hours before He was all about leaving her… But they worked it out for now at least and i did great making myself forget the jealousy part. I have to force myself, but it’s working. I said i never could be jealous of her.. but it’s obviously not 100% true. She’s the one who gets to touch Him, who gets to listen to His heart. Who can see Him smile, who can make Him smile. She’s there, and i’ll never be able to. Anyway… i’m happy when He’s happy – and He seems to be doing just fine.

Caring words

me: Don’t mock me bitch
Fuck you
Damn right i’ll fucking murder you
He: ❤
me: And i don’t mean it in-game
I know where you live
Maybe i’ll visit you
And fuck you to death
Or just slit your throat
Or both
He: Maybe I’ll get to you first, bitch
me: Yeah, you can try, fucker
He: I would succeed. No trying needed.
me: Bring it on then
He: Because you would do as you are told! If I told you to slit your
        own fucking throat you would.
        I don’t have to do anything
        don’t forget it
me: No no noooo nooo :\
Stop it
I love you so much
God
He: Don’t try me, slave
me: I’ll do whatever you want
He: I KNOW
me: I’m sorry, Sir
He: That’s better
me: How can i make it up to You?
He: That’s for me to decide
        I’m sure I will find something for you to do
me: Anything
I’ll do anything
He: I know
me: Would you hold me now if i was there?
I need to feel Your touch
He: By the throat!
        Yes
me: God
He: You have made me very hard being so BAD. My belt is calling me.
It wants to slide
out of my belt loops and feel your flesh
me: Mhmmmmm
Stop it
He: This wouldn’t be fun for you
        I would teach you a fucking lesson you would NEVER forget
me: Oh God
Stop it
He: Don’t tell me what to do, whore
me: Please
Please, Sir
I’m begging you to stop
Please
He: Still not my good girl
        You need to be taught a lesson first
        When you get home you’re in trouble
me: God
What do i have to do?

This is from 10 days ago. I’ll write what happened when I got home soon.

Basics

I won’t tell you much right now. I’m 30. He’s older. We live in different countries. We met online and I fell for Him within a heartbeat. We found out pretty soon that we’re very very similar. I missed dominance from my life for so long and then I found Him. The perfect Master.

After a few weeks of texting we started to write our fantasies. I’ll post them one-by-one on every Thursday. I write as Chloe, he writes as John. We wanted to do a blog together, but lets just face it… It’s never gonna happen. So I might as well do it alone by myself. I’ll post His parts as well. We don’t have much bc of the things that happened, but I want you to see everything. Then the writing turned into talking and He was too good in it. He could make me come with His words only… I’ve never felt so intense orgasms before Him. It’s… how can I put this… If you are somebody familiar or experienced in BDSM you’ll know what I’m talking about. When you found your perfect match, your Master. When everything He says turns you on, makes you horny… Ah He has such an intense effect on me! God I have to stop…

So… I’m in a relationship of 2 years now. I was happy and in love before I’ve met Him. Then everything got redefined… Anyway. with my boyfriend we’re trying for a child for like.. how long is it? 18 months now… He has a child from a previous relationship and I’m taking it pretty hard. I’ll talk about this more later I think.

Besides these two man in my life I run a business which is dying currently and I’m not sure I can make it work. If it collapses I won’t have a job anymore and I won’t have anything to keep me in my country.  My boyfriend wouldn’t come with me abroad bc of his kid.

I can’t let it collapse. I would move to His town… and nobody wants that…

Back to BDSM… I had a Master before.. he was… we were together for a very short period of time but it took a pretty big impact on my life. Have you ever had a relationship from which you just couldn’t get out regardless how hard you tried? It took me 2 years to forget that one and I’m afraid this current one will take even longer…

One more random fact for you to help you understand me… I was cutting up myself from age 8. That was my only way to deal with pain… Then at age 27 anorexia came, and after I got better and started to train I promised myself I’ll never hurt myself again. But since then.. well this is the first time I’m experiencing real stress and I don’t know how to cope. So I do know this is like almost the worst option, but I’ve started drinking to relieve stress… It’s working pretty good sadly. But I know I need to change this before it becomes a habit…

 

Anyway.. more later, thanks for reading…